I am who am.

Clever line eh!
I didn't say,
"I is who is."
Nosiree!
That's because, as the Son of God, I get most things right.
Talking about getting most things right, I've decided to come up with a new name for the Blessed Trinity. Sometimes new names are required because the old names just don't seem to cut the hype anymore. Anyway, from now on, the Blessed Trinity will be known as Triangle Team Leadership.
Hey, cut the applause, yes it is good.

Hey, get in touch with the angle (not to be confused with Angel).

If this doesn't work, we'll try something else.

Tired of hymns? I might check this out...

I'm thinking of updating The Bible.

Well, it is a bit out of date. I need it to have more relevance for younger people.

I'll probably start with Genesis. I'll add lots of explosions as I make the universe. Also I'll lose the long white beard on dad and make him look more like Chuck Connors.

I'll give him a broken sword too, just like the one Chuck had in Branded - that's a good image.
Well, kids in the 1960s liked it.
I'm off to do some writing.

I wrote this myself to show that The Bible can make fun reading.

To recap the story so far. Hannah has done a deal with God and given her first born so she can have more children. This is Samuel, who doesn't really feature in the story.
Eli is in charge of the Israrlites, but he and his two sons have upset the Lord so that when the Philistines attack not even the Ark can save them and they loose it to the conquerors. Anyway the Philistines take the Ark back, after slaying 30,000 Israelites including Eli's two sons, Haphni (a gay guy) and Phinehas (named after the Hebrew for 'penis)'. On hearing this Eli falls off his stool and brakes his neck. To be fair, Eli was 98 and "his eyes were dim, that he could not see" and , it seems overweight, in fact he was morbidly obese;
"for he was an old man and heavy".
But the Ark is a curse to the Philistines and they get smot with hemeroids. So they send it off to another Philistine city and the same thing happens.
So after 7 months they send it back to the Israelites with some gifts of fifly big rats and pictures of hemeroids.
But the Israelites in Beth-Shemite take a peek inside the Ark, a definite no no, and 50,000 and them are smot; big time. So they drop it like a hot potato and fast forward the Ark to the Israelites in Kirjath-jea-rim. Abinadab takes it into his house and puts his son Eleazar to stand guard over it.
All is well for twenty years but they were still under Philistine occupation.
So Samuel , at last comes into the story, and tells the Israelites to "put away their strange gods" and "Turn their hearts to the Lord" if they want to get rid of the Philistines. This they do , so Samuel starts praying in earnest.
But the Philistines catch wind of this and send an army. Now the Israelites get the wind up them, but to their credit, just tell Samuel to pray harder.
This doesn't work, the Lord doesn't hear Samuel. Fortunately I turn up and tell them to piss off. The Israelites are a godawful lazy lot, so I take the Ark off them and kill the first born of every family.  They seem grateful and praise me. Silly buggers.

Hey, go and read the bloody bible.

Yep, that's right, because all the answers are in there.

At the start I (well dad really) tell you how the world was made. Then I tell you how Eve led Adam astray and how the snake (really Satan - my old adversary) got involved. I also take time to tell who begot who. It's all there. Just skim through and you'll find all the answers.

I mean, how much more bloody obvious do you want me to make it? Are you thick or something?

You may be wondering why it's called the Holy Bible. Well, in the old days paper wasn't of such great quality as it is today and often developed holes. Ha ha that's an old joke that me and dad often make! See, I DO have a sense of humour.

God bless you my followers.

How was church this morning. Hey, I know if you went or not. Well, it's early yet and there's still time for you to avoid a mortal sin.

Enjoy the rest of your Sunday.

Parables explained by me.

One: The Parable of the Ten Virgins.Matthew 25
25:1 Then the kingdom of heaven shall be likened to ten virgins
who took their lamps and went out to meet the bridegroom.
25:2 Now five of them were wise, and five were foolish.
25:3 Those who were foolish took their lamps and took no oil with them,
25:4 but the wise took oil in their vessels with their lamps.
25:5 But while the bridegroom was delayed, they all slumbered and slept.
25:6 And at midnight a cry was heard:
'Behold, the bridegroom is coming; go out to meet him!'
25:7 Then all those virgins arose and trimmed their lamps.
25:8 And the foolish said to the wise,
'Give us some of your oil, for our lamps are going out.'
25:9 But the wise answered, saying,
'No, lest there should not be enough for us and you;
but go rather to those who sell, and buy for yourselves.'
25:10 And while they went to buy, the bridegroom came,
And those who were ready went in with him to the wedding;
and the door was shut.
25:11 Afterward the other virgins came also, saying,
'Lord, Lord, open to us!'
25:12 But he answered and said,
'Assuredly, I say to you, I do not know you.'
25:13 Watch therefore,
for you know neither the day nor the hour in which the Son of Man is coming.
Okay, what's all this about? Let me explain...
"Those who were foolish took their lamps and took no oil with them." Well, this explain why most women never think to check the oil and water in the car. When women are no longer virgins they still aren't good at putting oil in things.
"But while the bridegroom was delayed, they all slumbered and slept." This shows that women can never be trusted to stay awake when they are waiting for someone.
Later we find that women don't like sharing things...
"No, lest there should not be enough for us and you;
but go rather to those who sell, and buy for yourselves."
Men would have shared the oil around, but, there again, all the men would have remembered to take oil - so problem solved.
"Watch therefore, for you know neither the day nor the hour in which the Son of Man is coming. "
Well, this bit is a little ambiguous, but I wasn't sure how to wrap the story up. In an earlier version I had the bridegroom give all the virgins who showed up with oil, let me say,  'a good amount of attention' - the point being that a man doesn't expect a woman to show up with oil, unless it's for a massage. Maybe I should have stuck with that ending?
Ah well, you can't please everybody.

Damnation!

Foiled by Richard (of RBB)!

God the Father certainly didn't invent crappy posts!

What has happened to Richard (of RBB)? There was a time when people waited for his latest thoughts, but now we get crap like this. I've decided to use my godly powers to block Richard (of RBB) from posting on his site, until I see evidence that he actually has something to say.
I now say,
"Richard (of RBB) you are blocked from Richard's Bass Bag - THE BLOG! God's will be done. However, I will still allow you to comment. I am a very just God, aren't I!"

The Parable of the Prodigal Son - Part 2.

Okay, I give you guys a lot of guidance; I am, after all, the friggin' light and the way.
So Richard (of RBB) sins and doesn't believe in me but, when times get tough for him, I help him publish his blog and let him use my amenities.
I am, indeed, a very kind Angry Jesus at times and Richard (of RBB) is like the prodigal son coming home.

Hi sinners.

I regret to report that, due to technical difficulties, Richard (of RBB) is still unable to post on his blog. He says he updated to Google 9, or something, and this might be causing the problem. He's welcome to post here until things are fixed. Actually it's doing wonders for my site views! At the time of writing this site has had 1537 views - not bad for a Christian site! Well, to be honest, I try to avoid the Christian label because it always conjures up images of the old days; and lions.

Richard (of RBB) tells me that all is well with his practice. He's planning on really pushing his solo repertoire; whatever that means.
It's good to see Second Fiddle fishing. I told my apostles I'd make them fishers of men. That doesn't mean I asked them to be gay. I was telling them, in a cool way, to expand my flock. Though, don't get me wrong, being gay is fine. A lot of Christians waste too much bloody time thinking about the gay issue and making decisions about what is right and wrong, when that's really my job. Look, all love is natural. Just go for it.
I say,
"Gay is okay."
There's a slogan for you. I have a knack of coming up with good slogans, probably because I'm the Son of God.
That's it for this morning, I'm off to try to convert TwistedScottishBastard.
See you soon.

Richard (of RBB)'s review of the Sonny Rollins concert.

Saturday 11th June; Michael Fowler Centre; Wellington, NZ.
One of my most lasting memories will be the joy on my youngest brother's face (also a double bassist) after he got to shake hands with the bassist who played on The Sidewinder. After the concert Mr Cranshaw wandered out to retrieve his music and was happy to chat from the edge of the stage. He played the concert partly obscured behind a double music stand and I wondered why he needed dots - the song structures were pretty straight forward, and I'm sure he's played them many times.
Set list:
1. D. Cherry
2. Patanjali
3. Blue Gardenia
4. Serenade
5. Newark News
6. They Say It’s Wonderful
7. Tenor Madness
8. Don’t Stop the Carnival
His bass guitar playing was rock steady, as was the playing of the whole band.
It will also be a while before I forget Mr Rollins' hair. His white mop sat on his head like one of those Russian hats. His body looked a bit bent and frail, but he was able to call on an enormous amount of energy - and what a set of lungs! He played for just under two hours and there was no doubt that he played every note on that saxophone many times! His playing sounded fresh and like he was finding every phrase for the first time. He was in total command. It is always a special privilege to get to hear someone like Mr Rollins when one lives in a country so far away from the main action.
It took me a little while to get into the music - that's no criticism, I think I'm just a bit slow to catch on sometimes.
'They Say It's Wonderful' really caught me up in the music. 'Tenor Madness' seemed to slip in - almost like the band didn't know what he was going to play; that kept us in the audience guessing for a short while. Mr Rollins seemed to explore every possible way through those blues changes and, with such an onto it rhythm section, was able to step a long way out. Great stuff!
After the concert everyone seemed to be smiling. Shelley and I stood around and chatted with friends until officials herded us out of the auditorium. Nights like this are always special and are never to be forgotten.
To steal a quote from my dear friend Nicola (of Nicola's Supermarket Bag),
"What happens in life is not what happens to you, but what you remember and how you remember it."

Hi followers.

It's nice to be able to do the Christian thing and help out Richard (of RBB) by letting him post here while he is having trouble posting on his bass bag blog.

Don't forget to follow my commandments, or you'll rot in Hell for eternity.

Here they are, just in case you've forgotten them...

1	"I am the Lord your God, who brought you out of the land of Egypt, out of the house of bondage (I'm not talking sexual bondage in this instance). You shall have no other gods before Me."
2	“You shall not make for yourself a carved image, or any likeness of anything that is in heaven above, or that is in the earth beneath, or that is in the water under the earth; you shall not bow down to them nor serve them. For I, the Lord your God, am a bloody jealous God, visiting the iniquity of the fathers on the children to the third and fourth generations of those who hate Me, but showing mercy to thousands, to those who love Me and keep My Commandments. Okay, I admit that the jealousy thing is something I'm working on."
3	“You shall not take the name of the Lord your God in vain, for the Lord will not hold him guiltless who takes His name in vain. So don't say things like "Jesus Christ!" if you hit your finger with a hammer."
4	“Remember the Sabbath day, to keep it holy. Six days you shall labour and do all your work, but the seventh day is the Sabbath of the Lord your God. In it you shall do no work: you, nor your son, nor your daughter, nor your male servant, nor your female servant, nor your cattle, nor your stranger who is within your gates. For in six days the Lord made the heavens and the earth, the sea, and all that is in them, and rested the seventh day. Therefore the Lord blessed the Sabbath day and hallowed it. I do make an exception for essential services and supermarkets."
5	“Honour your father and your mother, that your days may be long upon the land which the Lord your God is giving you. Also, if you have a cat, don't let it rule the bloody place."
6	“You shall not murder, except if you're in the USA's armed forces - then you can just call it collateral damage."
7	“You shall not commit adultery. Well, not on a regular basis, but it is better than paedophilia."
8	“You shall not steal; as a general rule. Though it's less of a sin if you can get away with it."
9	“You shall not bear false witness against your neighbour. Actually, you sort of can; mostly. Just don't make it too bloody obvious."
10	“You shall not covet your neighbour's house; you shall not covet your neighbour's wife, nor his male servant, nor his female servant, nor his ox, nor his donkey, nor anything that is your neighbour's. I must admit that the ox and donkey thing is less important these days as most neighbours don't have them grazing in the back yard. Also the servants thing is a bit redundant - covet them if you want."

Here is Richard (of RBB)'s Saturday Post.

Sold to the couple with two double basses!

We've paid off our mortgage! Okay, we still owe a bit at the moment on other things and most of our appliances have broken down, but we've paid off our house!

Okay, it may not be a mansion and it may be in Nuova Lazio, but we own it!

I'm going to see Sonny Rollins tonight. Sonny was born Theodore Walter Rollins in 1930. I don't know where he got the name Sonny, but I do know that, around 1955, he picked up the nickname "Newk" because he looked like the Brooklyn Dodgers' pitcher Don Newcombe. Well, there you go.

Bob Cranshaw will be on bass.

I'm off to get a tyre shortly. Enjoy your Saturday.

 

The parable of the seraphim who ate a crow.

Seraphim are sort of like boss angels. There was a seraphim called Jake. Obviously, being an angel, Jake didn't have a dick. There was another seraphim called Jenny (really a serapher). Jake had heard the old story that if a seraphim ate a crow he would grow male genitals. Jake made a crow trap and caught a pile of crows.

He plucked one and ate it.
Where his genitals should have appeared he grew a tap.

This was God's way of punishing Jake for being lustful. Also, God fancied Jenny and knew that she would never go out with anyone who had a tap where his penis should be.
The Lord works in mysterious ways; especially when he fancies a serapher.
Dirty old dad!

Easter was a bad time for me.

I guess I should have used some simpler method to save you ungrateful scumbags. The flood idea worked pretty well; good on Noah for getting all those animals on board. Dying on the cross was really just an idea I had when I was feeling a bit almighty. It's funny how you come up with ideas that you regret after you've made the grand statement,
"I'm going to die on a cross to save mankind!"
I should have kept my mouth shut. To be honest, I'd had a couple of wines at the time.
I should have just said,
"I'm going to save mankind by leading an invincible army!"
Something like that, or maybe,
"Follow me and there will always be plenty of wine because I can make it out of water!"
Ah well, it's easy to be wise after the event.
I always feel a little vulnerable at Easter. There are too many old memories I guess.

God is everywhere.

He sees everything with His all seeing eye. When you go to the toilet He sees you. He sees you wipe your bottom. However, He does have the power to block the smell from His nostrils. Godly nostrils can do that.
If you are not following God's laws you should repent and make a full confession. If you don't you'll finish up in Hell.

Well, that's the way it works.

Homosexuality happens when there are no different bits.

A homosexual is a man who fails to notice the different bits on a woman. When he sees another man it is like looking at a woman. Men with poor observation skills should avoid all male working bees and playing rugby. It would be a waste of money for these men to visit a strip club. Homosexuals are simply people with poor observation skills (this is why homosexuals are not good at painting portraits) and can be cured if they are given good glasses that are blessed by a Catholic priest.

The Parable of St Polycrap.

Polycrap was a  disciple of St John the Baptist.  The Marcionites, a fairly okay bunch of guys who were just slight fanatics, confronted Polycarap and demanded respect by saying,
"Recognise us, Polycrap."
Polycarp responded,
"I recognise you, yes, I recognise the son of Satan."
Obviously the Marcionites felt a little upset. I mean, who wouldn't be by such rudeness.
Polycrap was evidently desperate not to make friends.
One day the Roman crowd had been watching Christians eaten alive, when the demanded the "atheist Polycrap too". Unfortunately the lions were a bit full, so someone suggested calling crows.
Fortunately there were servants who came running towards Polycrap, but they mistook him for a crow and stabbed him to death.
The crows flew away.
The date was 156 Feb 23.
I hope you can sleep tonight after that story!
Ah, parables can be a bit disturbing at times!

This is how love works.

Number one: you all love me.
Number two: don't get women pregnant unless you're married to them.
Number three: you can love someone of the same sex if you want; shit there are worse things out there!
Yeah, I think that about covers it.
Any questions, just leave a comment and I'll answer it, but don't waste my time with silly shit.

Anyone for murder?

Did you know that when crows get together it's called a 'murder of crows'? One of the craziest oddities of the English language is that there are so many different collective nouns that all mean "group" but which are specific to what particular thing there is a group of: a herd of elephants, a crowd of people, a box of crayons, a pad of paper, etc. There is great diversity of collective nouns associated with animals, from a sleuth of bears to a murder of crows.
What do you think of these?
A cry of hounds, a scold of jays, a shrewdness of apes, a deceit of lapwings, a bother of christians.

But, you have to admit, a murder of crows says it all.