Tired of hymns? I might check this out...

I'm thinking of updating The Bible.

Well, it is a bit out of date. I need it to have more relevance for younger people.

I'll probably start with Genesis. I'll add lots of explosions as I make the universe. Also I'll lose the long white beard on dad and make him look more like Chuck Connors.

I'll give him a broken sword too, just like the one Chuck had in Branded - that's a good image.
Well, kids in the 1960s liked it.
I'm off to do some writing.

I wrote this myself to show that The Bible can make fun reading.

To recap the story so far. Hannah has done a deal with God and given her first born so she can have more children. This is Samuel, who doesn't really feature in the story.
Eli is in charge of the Israrlites, but he and his two sons have upset the Lord so that when the Philistines attack not even the Ark can save them and they loose it to the conquerors. Anyway the Philistines take the Ark back, after slaying 30,000 Israelites including Eli's two sons, Haphni (a gay guy) and Phinehas (named after the Hebrew for 'penis)'. On hearing this Eli falls off his stool and brakes his neck. To be fair, Eli was 98 and "his eyes were dim, that he could not see" and , it seems overweight, in fact he was morbidly obese;
"for he was an old man and heavy".
But the Ark is a curse to the Philistines and they get smot with hemeroids. So they send it off to another Philistine city and the same thing happens.
So after 7 months they send it back to the Israelites with some gifts of fifly big rats and pictures of hemeroids.
But the Israelites in Beth-Shemite take a peek inside the Ark, a definite no no, and 50,000 and them are smot; big time. So they drop it like a hot potato and fast forward the Ark to the Israelites in Kirjath-jea-rim. Abinadab takes it into his house and puts his son Eleazar to stand guard over it.
All is well for twenty years but they were still under Philistine occupation.
So Samuel , at last comes into the story, and tells the Israelites to "put away their strange gods" and "Turn their hearts to the Lord" if they want to get rid of the Philistines. This they do , so Samuel starts praying in earnest.
But the Philistines catch wind of this and send an army. Now the Israelites get the wind up them, but to their credit, just tell Samuel to pray harder.
This doesn't work, the Lord doesn't hear Samuel. Fortunately I turn up and tell them to piss off. The Israelites are a godawful lazy lot, so I take the Ark off them and kill the first born of every family.  They seem grateful and praise me. Silly buggers.