Monday, October 16, 2017

Introduction to The Book of Baxter.

The Old Testament Book of Baxter is often quoted by biblical scholars as a place where many truths can be found. In fact, the famous American biblical scholar Dr Simon F Crimpton says,  "If you read no other part of The Bible, read the book of Baxter."

Baxter

Some background on Baxter.

The Bible never mentions when Baxter was born but we do know that he married the third eldest daughter of Moses who was named Pesta. As was often the way in those times, Baxter had seventeen wives and a swag of children. We know from ancient scripts that Baxter was a man of many parts. He was a camel trader, a warrior (a favourite of the king of Erodite), an amateur landscape painter, an expert horseman, a beekeeper, an experienced lover (Who wouldn't be with 17 wives?), a philosopher and a master of disguise.
It was he who said, "To pass as a donkey you must have big ears."
Moses trusted Baxter and often came to him for help and guidance.
Baxter was born near the city of Abigon in Elam.

Modern Abigon is still a bustling centre of trade,
though the country known as Elam has been replaced 
by somewhere else.
He left school at seven to work in the family's camel trading business. He saw a potential of adding horses to the business that could be used by armies. This made the business very successful.

Not one of the actual horses he traded.
At age nine Baxter was a wealthy man boy and was able to arrange the marriages to his first two wives.
Baxter quite liked cutting and stabbing things so he joined the Elam army as a cavalry sargeant (American spelling was used at that time in the Elam army). After his valour and cunning at the Battle of Windom (not far from Elam) he was promoted to General. His first action as General was to have the hands of all the surviving members of the opposition army, the Armenians, cut off. There is no reference in The Bible as to how the surviving Armenian solders wiped their bottoms after that.
Baxter was not a cruel man, he was a man of his time. He was also known as a great leader and said many wise things.
From time to time, on this blog, we will be looking at truths and wise things that come out of The Book of Baxter.

Baxter - a wise guy.
Baxter disguised as a donkey. "To pass as a 
donkey you must have big ears."



Friday, October 13, 2017

A lesson from the Old Testament.

Book of Samuel 1:17:8


1. The Saradites were camped outside the walls of the city of Erordite where Moses was visiting his son-in-law Baxter.

Baxter
2. Baxter was a well known warrior in these parts and had led an attack that defeated the Semolites from Media. The king of Erodite held him in high favour.
3. Moses told Baxter that he had to return to lead the Israelites out of Egypt but he would first have to get past the Saradite army.

"God told me not to forget to take the tablets."
4. Baxter told Moses that he had a cunning plan.

"I have a cunning plan."
5. Baxter told Moses that they would dress as Saradites so that they could walk freely among them.
6. Moses asked Baxter why he didn't just attack the Saradites while they slept and slaughter them all, but Baxter told Moses to take it easy because he could give the Old Testament a bad name.
7. Baxter's plan worked and they were able to mingle with the Saradites.

Can you tell which two are Moses and Baxter?
8. Moses eventually got tired of mingling and went on his way to Egypt. Baxter returned to Erodite having saved many Saraditian lives.
9. Unfortunately the Saradites were still camped outside the walls of Erodite and seemed to want to destroy everyone in the city. Eventually Baxter had to lead an attack to annihilate them all and take no prisoners, but this doesn't really detract from his earlier considerate thought.

Thursday, October 12, 2017

New Plan. The 3rd Testament is off.

Yes, that's right, it's off.
I think we need to get back to basics, so we're putting the New Testament aside too.
We're going with the Old Testament.


And we're going to be taking it literally.


Word for word.

It'll be wise for you to brush up on your Old Testament geography.


Media is where the press first heard about The Old Testament.
Here's a few notes to get you going:
  • Asia Minor is where musical keys were first thought up.
  • Egypt has been there a bloody long time.
  • Armenia is where the word "amen' comes from.
  • Persia is where the household cat originated from.
  • Assyria is where the phrase 'Are you serious?' originated.
See, the Old Testament is full of hidden facts. It's an interesting book but, most importantly, 

it doesn't piss around.


Okay, there's work to be done. You can get back to worshiping me now.




Wednesday, October 11, 2017

Wo ho 5 stars in Richard (of RBB) blog audit!

Ever wonder why that old chap The Curmudgeon looks so grim?


Simple, he struggles to get a pass rate for his blog on the RBB blog audit - HERE.

And who took out five stars?

Me, me, me,
me, me, me,
me, me, me,
me, me, me!
God (Dad) I adore me, just like the rest of you!

Let he who is without 5 stars cast the first stone, The Curmudgeon!


Not that you'll probably hit anything, with those old tired arms.

Oops, am I being humble in victory?

NO!

Get the point, in the Old Testament Dad was never humble.


We put up with less shit back then, and I liked it that way.
And now I have five stars.
All is good with your crummy little world.

Monday, October 9, 2017

Crisp who? No matter, he'll be burnt to a crisp in the afterlife.



I received a prayer ( at aj@praybutimnotbloodylistening.com) from some guy called Crisp.
It read:

Dominus Christi Angry Jesus,
You probably know me because you are all knowing. But in case you don’t, I am Crisp. I was named after a potato chip. I don’t blog because the particular sect I belong to disallows blogging, along with twitter. Our sect sees this as a worshiping Donald Trump. But for some reason we are allowed to read them. (We are also allowed to play bluegrass music.) I’m a great fan of your blog. It is so much better than that of the guy called Bin Hire. Bin Hire needs to sell his oil shares and buy an electric car.
I was interested that you are going to write/edit/publish a third testament. It is long overdue. King James had ago a few centuries along but it was mainly his spin on the Bible. I think he wrote it to get up the nose of the Vatican.
Writing a third testament will be a lot different than your last publication. Here is some advice. Scrolls won’t work. You will probably have to self-publish on Amazon. I suggest e-books, and perhaps even think about some interactive platforms. Make sure you retain all the rights, especially the film rights. The last testament (aka the New Testament) was never really a hit with Hollywood - unlike your early publication, The Bible. As you edit all the contributions keep an eye out for what may work on the big screen. There should be lots of super heroes, and something that can fit into three acts. Sex also works. 
Another matter to be aware of is defamation. The times have changed. The writings must be balanced and fair; otherwise Satan will be filing writs in every jurisdiction, including heaven.
Last word; don’t forget to publish a comic version. 
May the force be with you
Crisp




Now, I'll be honest, I usually can't be bothered answering prayers but this guy caught me in a good slightly better mood. So I replied:


Crisp,
Look I’ll be blunt.
You sound like a weirdo. King James did not write the New Testament AND he was a wanker. I can spot a wanker miles off. Bin Hire lives in Lower Hutt and I think he is a science teacher. Therefore he won’t have oil shares. Have you been to Lower Hutt lately? Oh yes, that’s right, your silly sect doesn’t let you on the motorway. I know the Amazon – Dad made it. It’s just full of primitive tribes who don’t wear pants. The Third Testament will be in book form because it needs to be put in hotel rooms - obviously. If anyone tries to sue me, I’ll turn them into stone. You mention Donald Trump. At least he reminded me that we need a bit of fire and brimstone, as is the modern way. 
Look Crisp, I’m happy that you have a sect but, if you don’t come back to the one true church, you’re going to burn in Hell. At least you’ll have Richard (of RBB) there with you. Perhaps you two could play some hot jazz. Ha ha! I don’t like jazz musicians because they always seem to lose the tune. 
Thanks for telling me how to run the universe. I’m assuming you’ve created a universe yourself before, otherwise your advice is like something you’d get from a donkey in a manger, and more likely from his rear end.
I suggest you keep reading my blog and get more familiar with the New Testament (while you're waiting for part 3). 
This is a message from your Saviour,
Angry Jesus

Cool off Crisp.

Sunday, October 8, 2017

I'm starting work on the Third Testament.

Okay, so far we've had two but...


there is quite a bit of shit in both of them.

So I figured that it might be time for a third testament called

THE THIRD TESTAMENT.


In the past I've got locals to write Gospels and I've decided to stick with this format.
Some of the people I've had most contact with this time around are bloggers so I'm sending out an invitation to people like Robert, The Curmudgeon, Phillip Nis, Bin Hire, Richard (of RBB) and The Wine Guy to bang out a Gospel. Then I'll stick the best ones together in a book - THE THIRD TESTAMENT.

Get writing fellas, I haven't got all day.
Well, you can have longer than a day - say a week or two. We don't want them written 200 years from now. I get too many sceptics on my back when that happens.

Friday, September 29, 2017

As God said to Moses, "Don't forget to take the tablets."


Okay, so my friend who is going to Hell (Richard (of RBB)) is going to be away for a few days and has left me in charge around here. The Curmudgeon will be my altar boy over this period.
I'll be inspecting blogs and rating them out of 10. So I hope all you bloggers will be doing what you can to lift your act. 
Here's some advice, if you want a good mark:
  • Don't write bloody poems
  • No posts about cleaning
  • No scenic photos
  • No pictures of housing repairs
  • No lectures about wine
  • Don't be boring.
Okay, that last one is going to be tough for The Curmudgeon and Robert - just do your best.