The first Christmas day - what really happened.

Well, there was this guy called Joseph who was a sun hat salesman. Joseph fancied this lady, called Mary, who people think is my mother. Not true though because obviously my mother is Mrs God, Dad's wife.

Mum, Mrs God, is sometimes referred to as The Holy Spirit, or The Holy Ghost.
Anyway, Dad got this crazy plan to send me down to Jasper (aka Earth) to save everyone from sin. It was a silly idea because He could have just waved His hand and sin would have disappeared. Anyway, after a few chardonnays we'd been having a bit of an argument and I was making more sense than He was.
He didn't like that, so He says,
"I'm going to bloody well send you down to Jasper (aka Earth) to wipe out sin and save people, but here's the funny bit, they'll have to nail you to a cross!"
I said,
"No bleeding way!"
But Dad had made up his mind and he didn't want to back off. Mum said to look on it as an adventure.
The next bloody thing I'm in Mary's womb.
"WTF!" I thought and realised that I had just invented computer speak.
Then there is all this grunting. I'm aware of being squeezed.
When I open my eyes, I'm in a bloody farm house!
The first thing that Joseph does is put a sun hat on my head!
I try to say,
"Look, dickhead, we're inside a farm house. Why do you think I need a bloody sun hat?"
But then I realise that Dad has turned me into a baby and I can't speak.
So here I am, in a farm house with two people I don't really know, wearing a sun hat and listening to the bleating of bloody animals.
I'm thinking to myself,
"Okay, I'll have to put on a good show and get these people to realise who I am. Then maybe they won't nail me to that cross.
Mary says to Joseph, "Where did that baby come from? We haven't even had a bonk! And why when we're in a farm house? Why couldn't we be in a hospital or something?"
Joseph replies, "Well, at least it's a better class of farm house. People are calling them mangers these days. People with mangers have been buying a lot of sun hats. What will we call this baby who was born without any bonking?"
Then, at that moment, three kings of fairly average intelligence enter. One of them stubbs his toe on a rock* and the rest is history.

* Some scholars wonder what a rock was doing in a farm house but others point out that this was part of God's plan so that His son would be correctly named. They refute the question by saying that God can do anything and he put the rock there.