Crows represent the biggest evil mankind faces.

That's why I invented the concept of servants. Servants are good at chasing crows away.

Info on Angels.

Wikipedia tells us,
"Angels are messengers of  God in the Hebrew Bible, the  New Testament and the Quran. The term "angel" has also been expanded to various notions of "spiritual beings" found in many other religious traditions. Other roles of angels include protecting and guiding human beings, and carrying out God's tasks."
This is basically right, but a bit flowery. Look at the picture.
Angels are basically guys without penises (angels are sexless) who look more like girls.
These girlie boys are good fighters - remember they beat Satan (Son of the Dawn? Ha Ha!) and his lot in the great battle between good and evil. Angels can't really reproduce (no penises, remember) but they live for a very long time, so it doesn't really matter.

I've included a picture of the Archangel Michael. He's sort of like a general. Again, no penis, but a bloody good fighter.
Although, in my parables, it's usually servants that chase away the crows, Michael (and other penisless guys like Gabriel) could easily do this too. It just seems a bit over the top to call in angels to do a job that servants have covered.

There we are, now you have the low down on angels.

The parable of the talents.

It is a simple story that I tell here. A man who is preparing to leave on a journey entrusts his possessions to his servants. He distributes his wealth among three servants, apportioned to them on the basis of their abilities. To the first he entrusts five talents, to the second two talents, and to the third one talent. The first two servants quickly set to work with their master’s money. The third servant does not invest his master’s money at all; he digs a hole in the ground and buries his master’s money. When the master returns, the first two eagerly meet him, apparently delighted with the opportunity to multiply their master’s money. Both are commended as “good and faithful servants”; both are rewarded with increased responsibilities in their master’s service; both are invited to share in their master’s joy. They get to watch him (the master) get pissed - hey, no point in over rewarding servants, unless they chase away crows.

The master’s dealings with the third servant is a very different matter. This servant comes to his master with only the talent his master had originally entrusted to him. He did not increase his master’s money at all. In fact, if this were to take place today, that money would likely be worthless, due to inflation. This servant offers a reasonable excuse for his conduct. He tells his master that a bird in the hand is worth two in the bush. He contends that this is why he was afraid to take a risk with any kind of possibly foolish investment., and so he simply hid the money; and now he returns it without any gain but at least the original money is safe. The 'bird in the bush' thing eventually becomes a famous saying and reaches more people than did the efforts of the first two 'money happy' servants. The master is about to rebuke this third servant, but then crows start attacking the master's crops. Without being asked to, the third servent rushes out and chases the crows away. The other two servants are too busy totalling up how much money they have made to even notice the crows - selfish, self absorbed bastards that they really are.

The master realises that the third servant, by saving his crops, is actuallent the smartest servent with the most 'talent' and he lets him sleep in the barn with his cattle as a reward. He flogs the first two servants for being greedy bastards. They are also made to dress as crows and repent for being too much like investment portfolio managers when, in fact, they're supposed to be bloody servants.

The paraple of the prodigal son.

The parable begins with a young man, the younger of two sons, who asks his father to give him his share of the estate. The parable continues by describing how the younger son travels to a distant country and wastes all his money in wild living. When a famine strikes, he becomes desperately poor and is forced to take work as a swineherd. When he reaches the point of envying the pigs he is looking after, he finally comes to his senses:

"When he came to his senses, he said, 'How many of my father's hired men have food to spare, and here I am starving to death! I will set out and go back to my father and say to him: Father, I have sinned against heaven and against you. I am no longer worthy to be called your son; make me like one of your hired men.'

So he got up and went to his father. But while he was still a long way off, his father saw him and was filled with compassion for him; he ran to his son, threw his arms around him and kissed him."

But the story goes on to say that crows attacked the boy and pecked him. His father called his servants to chase the crows away, but the boy learnt a good lesson - if you bugger off and waste your father's money, crows will attack you and peck holes in your flesh.

A parable about living in modern times.

There was a man who worked in an office. He was involved in finance and transferring money from A to B.

One day he had a lot of money out, ready to transfer somewhere else. Then a flock of crows came and picked up all his money and stole it. Servants came out to chase the crows away. Unfortunately the crows escaped with most of the money.

The moral is this:

Crows are bloody evil; probably on a par with Satan and people who push into queues at cafes.

How leaders are decided on - a parable.

A place of teaching needed a leader and four wise men stepped forward.

The first man said,

"I'm think that, in the eyes of God, I am an honest man who has the ability to pass on our culture and fear of God."

The second man followed,

"I do not fear God because He is merciful, therefore I would teach from a perspective of love, but I wouldn't be taking any shit."

The third man, a Philistine, just seemed intent on taking the piss and running down the local art.

The fourth man was a stranger, a Roman, and suggested that random crucifixions would keep those being taught in line.

Then some crows came and started pecking the four men and anyone else who was around.

People ran for cover and some servants came out to chase the birds away.

The moral of this parable is that, whoever was the best person for the job, whoever let the crows out was an evil bastard; probably Satan. Satan makes it hard for teaching places to find good leaders.

Okay, let's kick things off with a parable.

A parable is a little story like thingy I sometimes use because some of my flock are too bloody thick to see the obvious.
Here goes:
There was a guy planting seeds in a field (me). I, I mean the guy, planted good quality seed. Some bastard sent a lot of crows to eat the seeds. This really buggered up the planting. The guy gets his servants to chase the crows away. The bastard I mentioned would probably be Satan, or some other extremely unpleasant low life. Or maybe another farmer who kept crows.
It doesn't really matter who the crows are; they're just bloody crows. I suppose they could be lost souls.
Anyway, the point is this...
Some bastards try to stuff things up by sending crows. Here's my message to bad bastards - don't do that, but if you must, don't use crows because I don't like them.

Hey thanks to my mate Jesh for fishing up this story for me.

It's time to spread the message.

Yeah, I'm talking about my message.
I expect all Christians to visit this blog and take bloody note of what I've got to say.
What I say here over rides all other instructions you might be getting from weirdo priests or anyone else claiming to be passing on my thoughts.