Don't forget to follow my commandments, or you'll rot in Hell for eternity.
Here they are, just in case you've forgotten them...
|1||"I am the Lord your God, who brought you out of the land of Egypt, out of the house of bondage (I'm not talking sexual bondage in this instance). You shall have no other gods before Me."|
|2||“You shall not make for yourself a carved image, or any likeness of anything that is in heaven above, or that is in the earth beneath, or that is in the water under the earth; you shall not bow down to them nor serve them. For I, the Lord your God, am a bloody jealous God, visiting the iniquity of the fathers on the children to the third and fourth generations of those who hate Me, but showing mercy to thousands, to those who love Me and keep My Commandments. Okay, I admit that the jealousy thing is something I'm working on."|
|3||“You shall not take the name of the Lord your God in vain, for the Lord will not hold him guiltless who takes His name in vain. So don't say things like "Jesus Christ!" if you hit your finger with a hammer."|
|4||“Remember the Sabbath day, to keep it holy. Six days you shall labour and do all your work, but the seventh day is the Sabbath of the Lord your God. In it you shall do no work: you, nor your son, nor your daughter, nor your male servant, nor your female servant, nor your cattle, nor your stranger who is within your gates. For in six days the Lord made the heavens and the earth, the sea, and all that is in them, and rested the seventh day. Therefore the Lord blessed the Sabbath day and hallowed it. I do make an exception for essential services and supermarkets."|
|5||“Honour your father and your mother, that your days may be long upon the land which the Lord your God is giving you. Also, if you have a cat, don't let it rule the bloody place."|
|6||“You shall not murder, except if you're in the USA's armed forces - then you can just call it collateral damage."|
|7||“You shall not commit adultery. Well, not on a regular basis, but it is better than paedophilia."|
|8||“You shall not steal; as a general rule. Though it's less of a sin if you can get away with it."|
|9||“You shall not bear false witness against your neighbour. Actually, you sort of can; mostly. Just don't make it too bloody obvious."|
|10||“You shall not covet your neighbour's house; you shall not covet your neighbour's wife, nor his male servant, nor his female servant, nor his ox, nor his donkey, nor anything that is your neighbour's. I must admit that the ox and donkey thing is less important these days as most neighbours don't have them grazing in the back yard. Also the servants thing is a bit redundant - covet them if you want."|