Sunday, November 26, 2017

Mumbo Jumbo.


Mumbo jumbo is when you talk shit.
It can happen when there is a flaw in your logic or reasoning.
If we are to be sure of anything, our only real route is to use logic.
Religious belief comes with a step in it's logic called faith.
Say whatever you like but this faith thing is what creates the difference between scientific reasoning and belief in a god.

Baxter 23:03/16

Baxter liked to spend his summer holidays among the Madoric people of Southern Hisban. They were known as the Madoricocians.

Baxter
Madoricocians: notice the unimaginative colours
of their clothing. A bit of blue or red would have
been nice.
The Madoricocians were an uneducated people who where regarded by most people in the ancient world as being a bit very thick. Stupid, in fact.
Baxter, while enjoying his summer holiday, took pleasure in teaching the Madoricocians things.
Timadoor was a Madoricocian elder and was considered a wise man by his comrades. That meant that he probably had an IQ of about 90.
One day Baxter tried to explain logic to Timadoor.
Timadoor said, "Look all around you and see the beauty. Do you think it came from nothing? There must be a god and I'm betting he's a Christian god."
Baxter didn't mind his answer but it really pissed him off that Timadoor had not listened to a thing he had said.
Timadoor smiled when he saw the displeased look on Baxter's face and said, "I think you were talking mumbo jumbo."
Baxter took out his very sharp sword and, with one mighty swing, sliced Timadoor's head right off.
Okay, you might say that Baxter's reaction was a little over the top but he realised that there was absolutely nothing he could say to put Timadoor right because Timadoor was a bloody idiot.
Baxter took a moment to thank Angry Jesus for giving him wisdom and then he summond up an army and slaughtered all of the Madoricocians. Baxter wasn't one to do things by halves.

* * *

Okay, there are good and not so good things in The Book of Baxter and slaughtering a whole tribe of people to make a point is not something that many will condone. In Baxter's defence, there have been quite a few translation errors that have effected The Book of Baxter. Some scholars say that the word slaughtered can also be translated in Yimmin as shouted everybody a drink. Also, in Yimmin, the phrase sharp sword can also refer to a caustic word spoken and the phrase sliced his head right off has also been translated as really told him off.

I think that everybody has to draw their own conclusions from The Book of Baxter.



Friday, November 24, 2017

The very first bible.

My loyal followers spend a lot of time trying to work out what language the very first bible was in and who actually wrote it.
Okay, the only two people who can really answer this question are Dad and me and, as you know, Dad likes to communicate in mysterious ways. So that really only leaves me to tell you.

The first Jack Reacher book -
probably the next best thing to the bible.
As you know, when I was on Earth (aka Jasper) I had twelve apostles. Judas let the side down so, near the end, I replaced him with Baxter.

Baxter - the 13th apostle.
Baxter was quite a famous general and, when the Romans were coming for me, he was keen to set up a counter attack but I told him I had to die to get rid of all those bloody sins that people had done. That was one of Dads rather more bizarre ideas - bloody mysterious ways!
So I said to the apostles, "You guys can write a book. Some of you will babble on so lets call it The Babble."
Baxter was always one with strong opinions. He said that the book would be best written in the Roman language (Latin) because most of the other people around were pretty ignorant and couldn't read. He seemed to like the name babble but thought it needed a more unique name. We all tossed the name around and came up with Bible. Paul said that, because this book would tell everything, it should be called The Whole Bible. Unfortunately the publishers got the name wrong. In later editions there were quite a few grammatical errors and spelling mistakes. Publishing and proof reading was in its early days - hence the mistakes.

The publishers got the name wrong.
So Baxter sort of took charge and formed a team with Paul, Luke and a few others. A guy named Ecclesiastes turned up and had a go at writing some stuff too.
Most of the guys spoke a bit of Italian and not much Latin, so they decided on a language change.
So, there you have it, the first Bible was actually written in Italian. That is why the pope lives in Italy, because that's where the best bibles are.

"This post is all true. Come and read the first bible in Italy."




Wednesday, November 22, 2017

Where do morals come from?

God's word that is recorded as the Ten Commandments.

Ah Hebrew, it might as well be written in bloody Dutch!
Well that's it. Question answered.
That was a short post!


[time passes]


Well okay, I'll elaborate.
Hebrew has never been my favourite language. All you have to do is leave out a full stop or spell a word slightly differently and a whole new meaning is given. Those guys who wrote my Bible were not well educated and their writing skills were generally bloody awful. Suffice to say that there are mistakes everywhere in the great book. If I ever need another bible, I'll invent a reading and writing school first.
Hell, for example, is not mentioned in the Bible. A hot place is mentioned once or twice but those dumb writers were actually referring to the ancient holiday resort of Anatin which was to the east of modern Lybia.

Ancient Anatin - an artist's impression
Okay, back to morals. Here's the ten things that Dad ordered:
  1. Only worship Dad (and me)
  2. No jokes about us and don't use my name if you hit your finger with a hammer
  3. Keep Saturday holy
  4. Be good to your mum and dad
  5. No killing
  6. Don't bonk other people's wives and husbands
  7. Don't steal
  8. Don't make shit up
  9. Don't bonk your neighbour's wife (really just re-emphasizing no 6 here)
  10. Don't take your neighbour's stuff (and re-emphasizing no 7 here)
Yeah, in retrspect we really only needed 8 commandments. I mentioned this to Dad at the time but he said that 10 was sort of more balanced.

Okay, here is where morals originate from. 
Some God knockers say that the first three are not morals. They're bloody wrong.
Let me quote from the book of Baxter 34:12 - 9
(NB. the spelling and grammatical mistakes in this text come from the original Hebrew version and are not mine)

Baxter
In his mature years Baxter often travelled to other regions to help pople in they're  fight against heathens and atheists because he had become a very famous general and was very good at kiling pople.
? wHen he was in knew lands. Baxter always preached Gods' word. and told pople that they must worship God as this was the number one moral. 
One day when Baxter was talking to a croud a man could Simon of Beddermon questioned him.
Simon of Beddermon said,
'But Baxter, morals are a matter of common sense. If,  four example, we don;t kill eachother, everyone has a better life. Worshipping God has nothing two do with morals!"
Baxter pulled out his very sharp sword and approached Simon of Beddermon and stabbed him in the thoat. Blod spurted everywhere and Simon of Beddermon was history and probably on his way to Anatin/
Noone els questioned Baxters' words, so he knew he was rite. 

Simon of Beddermon
before his trip to Anatin.


There you have it - follow the Ten Commandments and you'll be on the right track.
Also, read the Bible - just be careful if you're reading the Hebrew version.

Thursday, November 9, 2017

A story of warning in The Book of Baxter.

Baxter

Baxter 7:33-1
At the end of a long day Baxter liked nothing better than sharing a glass of wine and a story with his admirers. Here's a story he told on quite a few occasions.

Many years ago in the land of Yimmin the people decided to change from their nomadic lives and build towns. The first town was built by a man called Rigid. He thought a lot before building the first town in Yimmin. He called the town Bazbag.


Bazbag
He was careful to put his town by a water source so that people would have somewhere to go to the toilet and collect drinking water.

He even built a little out house that could flush
straight into the river.
Apart from some people dying mysteriously, Bazbag flourished and many outsiders came to live there.
One was named Pota and he liked what Rigid had done. He liked it so much that he decided to build his own town nearby. He called his town Cumgruge.

Cumgruge
Cumgruge never really took off because people were happy living in Bazbag.
So Comegrudge built many towns.
They were all near Cumgruge. These were specialist towns. One town had fifteen shield and spear shops.


Another had twenty dairies.


Another had seventeen stables.


And on it went.

Pota of Cumgruge was not attracting people to his towns, so he thought of a plan.
He would combine all the towns into what he thought would be a great city. He decided to call his city Ink.

Ink

God and His only begotten son Angry Jesus were displeased by Pota of Cumgruge Ink's extravagance. They decided to punish him.
God decreed that he would make Pota of Cumgruge Ink obsessed with windows and that any time he, or his followers, put a chair outside it would blow over.

Remember God does work in mysterious ways.

Pota of Cumgruge Ink became a bit of a bore about his windows and, because of his chairs blowing over problem, barbeques became very unpopular in Ink. Basically Ink became a pretty drab place to live. Most people in Ink were grumpy. In the Yimmin language the word for a grumpy person was 'Cumutdgoen'.* Outsiders called the people of Ink Cumutgoens and the name sort of stuck.

His admirers always enjoyed Baxter's stories but this one was their favourite. It was passed on from father to son. (It must be made clear that this 'passing on' was not by word of mouth, but by precise notes. The Yimminonians were known as good writers and their language was quite precise. In fact, our word 'precise' comes from the Yimminonian word 'preshise'.)






* incidently this is where the English word 'curmudgeon' comes from.