I am who am.

Clever line eh!
I didn't say,
"I is who is."
Nosiree!
That's because, as the Son of God, I get most things right.
Talking about getting most things right, I've decided to come up with a new name for the Blessed Trinity. Sometimes new names are required because the old names just don't seem to cut the hype anymore. Anyway, from now on, the Blessed Trinity will be known as Triangle Team Leadership.
Hey, cut the applause, yes it is good.

Hey, get in touch with the angle (not to be confused with Angel).

If this doesn't work, we'll try something else.

Tired of hymns? I might check this out...

I'm thinking of updating The Bible.

Well, it is a bit out of date. I need it to have more relevance for younger people.

I'll probably start with Genesis. I'll add lots of explosions as I make the universe. Also I'll lose the long white beard on dad and make him look more like Chuck Connors.

I'll give him a broken sword too, just like the one Chuck had in Branded - that's a good image.
Well, kids in the 1960s liked it.
I'm off to do some writing.

I wrote this myself to show that The Bible can make fun reading.

To recap the story so far. Hannah has done a deal with God and given her first born so she can have more children. This is Samuel, who doesn't really feature in the story.
Eli is in charge of the Israrlites, but he and his two sons have upset the Lord so that when the Philistines attack not even the Ark can save them and they loose it to the conquerors. Anyway the Philistines take the Ark back, after slaying 30,000 Israelites including Eli's two sons, Haphni (a gay guy) and Phinehas (named after the Hebrew for 'penis)'. On hearing this Eli falls off his stool and brakes his neck. To be fair, Eli was 98 and "his eyes were dim, that he could not see" and , it seems overweight, in fact he was morbidly obese;
"for he was an old man and heavy".
But the Ark is a curse to the Philistines and they get smot with hemeroids. So they send it off to another Philistine city and the same thing happens.
So after 7 months they send it back to the Israelites with some gifts of fifly big rats and pictures of hemeroids.
But the Israelites in Beth-Shemite take a peek inside the Ark, a definite no no, and 50,000 and them are smot; big time. So they drop it like a hot potato and fast forward the Ark to the Israelites in Kirjath-jea-rim. Abinadab takes it into his house and puts his son Eleazar to stand guard over it.
All is well for twenty years but they were still under Philistine occupation.
So Samuel , at last comes into the story, and tells the Israelites to "put away their strange gods" and "Turn their hearts to the Lord" if they want to get rid of the Philistines. This they do , so Samuel starts praying in earnest.
But the Philistines catch wind of this and send an army. Now the Israelites get the wind up them, but to their credit, just tell Samuel to pray harder.
This doesn't work, the Lord doesn't hear Samuel. Fortunately I turn up and tell them to piss off. The Israelites are a godawful lazy lot, so I take the Ark off them and kill the first born of every family.  They seem grateful and praise me. Silly buggers.

Hey, go and read the bloody bible.

Yep, that's right, because all the answers are in there.

At the start I (well dad really) tell you how the world was made. Then I tell you how Eve led Adam astray and how the snake (really Satan - my old adversary) got involved. I also take time to tell who begot who. It's all there. Just skim through and you'll find all the answers.

I mean, how much more bloody obvious do you want me to make it? Are you thick or something?

You may be wondering why it's called the Holy Bible. Well, in the old days paper wasn't of such great quality as it is today and often developed holes. Ha ha that's an old joke that me and dad often make! See, I DO have a sense of humour.

God bless you my followers.

How was church this morning. Hey, I know if you went or not. Well, it's early yet and there's still time for you to avoid a mortal sin.

Enjoy the rest of your Sunday.

Parables explained by me.

One: The Parable of the Ten Virgins.Matthew 25
25:1 Then the kingdom of heaven shall be likened to ten virgins
who took their lamps and went out to meet the bridegroom.
25:2 Now five of them were wise, and five were foolish.
25:3 Those who were foolish took their lamps and took no oil with them,
25:4 but the wise took oil in their vessels with their lamps.
25:5 But while the bridegroom was delayed, they all slumbered and slept.
25:6 And at midnight a cry was heard:
'Behold, the bridegroom is coming; go out to meet him!'
25:7 Then all those virgins arose and trimmed their lamps.
25:8 And the foolish said to the wise,
'Give us some of your oil, for our lamps are going out.'
25:9 But the wise answered, saying,
'No, lest there should not be enough for us and you;
but go rather to those who sell, and buy for yourselves.'
25:10 And while they went to buy, the bridegroom came,
And those who were ready went in with him to the wedding;
and the door was shut.
25:11 Afterward the other virgins came also, saying,
'Lord, Lord, open to us!'
25:12 But he answered and said,
'Assuredly, I say to you, I do not know you.'
25:13 Watch therefore,
for you know neither the day nor the hour in which the Son of Man is coming.
Okay, what's all this about? Let me explain...
"Those who were foolish took their lamps and took no oil with them." Well, this explain why most women never think to check the oil and water in the car. When women are no longer virgins they still aren't good at putting oil in things.
"But while the bridegroom was delayed, they all slumbered and slept." This shows that women can never be trusted to stay awake when they are waiting for someone.
Later we find that women don't like sharing things...
"No, lest there should not be enough for us and you;
but go rather to those who sell, and buy for yourselves."
Men would have shared the oil around, but, there again, all the men would have remembered to take oil - so problem solved.
"Watch therefore, for you know neither the day nor the hour in which the Son of Man is coming. "
Well, this bit is a little ambiguous, but I wasn't sure how to wrap the story up. In an earlier version I had the bridegroom give all the virgins who showed up with oil, let me say,  'a good amount of attention' - the point being that a man doesn't expect a woman to show up with oil, unless it's for a massage. Maybe I should have stuck with that ending?
Ah well, you can't please everybody.