Wisdom from Me.

Don't throw your prayers on the ground. I do not want lip service either, so don't grease up all the time.
In fact, some of your prayers should be stuck up your own arses. It is I who shields you from the demonic would be Jesus types like Jeshua. My cross will protect you but only if you're going to church every Sunday; that's the rule of thumb.
Oh, and you don't need to worry about crows if you employ good servants.
That's about it.

No more Mr Nice Jesus!

Well, not while this guy's around! The shit he talks is not good shit.
Here's an example:
"I appear to many, I show them my heart, I give signs by letting my images shed tears."
That's right, he's into sheds, bloody sheds! He pretends that he cares, but all he wants to bloody do is sell you a shed.
Don't trust this guy...
you have been warned.

Why you should go to church.

I've set up a lot of churches, with priests supplied, for your playing pleasure. When you go to church, you drasticly increase your chances of not finishing up in Hell. Unfortunately, other idiots offer the 'church experience' too. Mine are the Roman Catholic ones and are generally named after saints. Avoid all the others. Only come to mine.
The priests (I've supplied) will give sermons that will tell you how you should be living your life. Listen carefully. Like I said, if you get it wrong, you'll get a one way ticket to Hell when you expire.
There we are. No need to thank me. Well, actually, there is a need to thank me. You can do that while you're sitting in one of my churches.

Why are people saying I'm gay?

The Curmudgeon says, of this picture on Second Fiddle's blog,
"One of them is about to bitch-slap the other."
This is not true. Okay, I admit that I do look a little gay in this picture, but it's the bloody artist's fault. Thank God (sorry dad) for the modern camera! Artists make everyone look like a bloody women.
What is actually happrning is that John the Baptist has just chased a crow away that bit me him the arm. Poor old John (tB), crows are always pecking him. You can see me examining the wound. I am not particularly enjoying touching his arm and definitely don't feel aroused.

Facts about The Universe.

The Universe was invented (by God the Father) as a place to put everything. Heaven, Hell and Limbo are on different dimensions. This means that people of the future won't be able to get to Heaven using a space rocket. The Universe is full of positives and negatives - good and evil. The most evil entity is Satan.

Black holes were invented by him. Then there are crows. Crows do Satan's work.

                                  

They are sort of the opposite of my angels. I gave mankind servants to help in the fight against evil.

Man has reason to be thankful and to praise God.
Some of my creation don't get the picture. I'm talking about realising that I am the boss.
The man in the picture below has not attended church in a very long time. His problem is that he doesn't understand The Universe.
In an effort to save him (you've got to admine my for trying so hard), I'll spell out, for him, what he needs to know about The Universe:
1) God (I'm part of that franchise.) made it.
2) People in The Universe will eventually finish up in Heaven or Hell or Limbo.
3) It pays to praise me regularly if you don't fancy a long, long time in Hell.

There, it's really that simple.

The parable of the good crow.

There once was a farmer who grew crops to feed the people in his area. He supplied food at a reasonable cost. Okay, he did heavily discount his wine to attract customers and the wine growers lived wretched lives, but at least they could get pissed and drown their sorrows. One day a wicked wine grower sent crows to destroy his crops. When the farmer saw the crows coming, he rushed to get his servants, but they'd all gone on a servants' picnic and there was no one to stop the crows eating all the crops. Then a mysterious crow turned up and told the crows not to eat this particular crops. The mysterious crow told the other crows about a vinyard that had delicious grapes and they all flew away to feast on some pisshead wine grower's grapes.

The farmer thanked the mysterious crow and asked him why he had helped. The mysterious crow removed his crow head and the farmer could see that he was in fact his most loyal servant dressed up. He'd missed the servants' picnic to help his master. The farmer rewarded him with a little bird seed he'd once been given.

This parable tells of how wine growers can be very evil and this is why modern supermarkets sell their wine cheaply. The good crow represents people who happily use their One Card to get extra discounts and are prepared to chase crows away from supermarkets.