The time has come!

These bloody atheists and their science mamby pamby views are getting totally out of hand! They keep asking for proof of our (me, dad and mum - aka the holy spirit) existence.
It seems that The Bible isn't good enough for them.
Okay, it's time. We're going multi-media. Expect to see Us shortly on all your favourite TV channels. Expect to see Us on the internet. We are coming to remove all doubt!
Prepare to be in the presence of Us!

The time for this atheist evolutionary bullshit is over. We will be bringing back Adam and Eve (now considerably older) as proof that the bloody creationists are right!
This time we won't be pissing around. There WILL be proof that We are here and in control.
Hey, and if you don't like it, there is always the option of a one way ticket to Hell!
Get tuned in flock. The time for pissing around is over.

The Ten Commandments Explained.

And God spoke all these words, saying: “I am the Lord your God, who brought you out of the land of Egypt, out of the house of bondage. Thanks must be extended to Cecil B. DeMille and Charlton Heston.

1. You shall have no other gods before me.
2. You shall not make for yourself any carved image, or any likeness of anything that is in heaven above, or that is in the earth beneath, or that is in the water under the earth; you shall not bow down to them nor serve them. For I, the Lord your God, am a jealous God, visiting the iniquity of the fathers on the children to the third and fourth generations of those who hate me, but showing mercy to thousands, to those who love Me and keep My commandments. 
3. You shall not take the name of the Lord your God in vain, for the Lord will not hold him guiltless who takes His name in vain.
4. Remember the Sabbath day, to keep it holy. Six days you shall labor and do all your work, but the seventh day is the Sabbath of the Lord your God. In it you shall do no work: you, nor your son, nor your daughter, nor your manservant, nor your maidservant, nor your cattle, nor your stranger who is within your gates. For in six days the Lord made the heavens and the earth, the sea, and all that is in them, and rested the seventh day. Therefore the Lord blessed the Sabbath day and hallowed it.
5. Honor your father and your mother, that your days may be long upon the land which the Lord your God is giving you.
6. You shall not murder.
7. You shall not commit adultery.
8. You shall not steal.
9. You shall not bear false witness against your neighbor.
10. You shall not covet your neighbor’s house; you shall not covet your neighbor’s wife, nor his manservant, nor his maidservant, nor his ox, nor his donkey, nor anything that is your neighbor’s.”

1. Ha! Dad was sort of joking here, because obviously there are no other gods! Well, except for God the Mother and yours truely.
2. "I am a jealous God." Dad didn't really say it quite like that because, if He exhibited jealousy, He wouldn't be perfect, which He is.
3. Speaks for itself... Don't piss with dad.
4. Okay, dad was really only talking to Americans here - which is why he used the American spelling of 'labour'. And also I've just conferred with dad and he said it's now okay for cattle to work on the Sabbath, because cattle don't get considered for Heaven. You could also use tractors.
5. Self explanatory.
6. ditto
7. Don't bonk other people's wives. Pretty straight forward really.
8. This includes downloading pirated stuff.
9. Again only for Americans (see 'neighbor'). The rest of you just use your common sense.
10. Again for Americans, unless you happen to own an ox or a donkey; otherwise don't worry too much about this one.

How to get to heaven.

The Bible says in John 3:16 “For God so loved the world, that he gave his only begotten Son (that's me), that whosoever believeth in him should not perish, but have everlasting life.” God loves you, well sort of. Let's just say that you are a good hobby.
Now the bad news...
The Bible also says in Romans 3:23 “For all have sinned, and come short of the glory of God;.” God (dad) is perfect and holy, and the penalty or wages of our sin is separation from God forever. The Bible says in Romans 6:23 “The wages of sin is death.”
In one word... Hell! That's where you're going.
If you want to trust the Lord Angry Jesus as your Savior, you can ask Him (me) to be your Savior and Lord by praying a prayer like this.
“Lord Angry Jesus, I believe you are the Son of God. I confess that I am a sinner and have sinned against you. Thank you for dying on the cross for my sins. I trust what you did on the cross to pay for my sin and I accept your free gift of eternal life. Angry Jesus, you are quite a guy!”
The Bible says in Romans 10:13 “For whosoever shall call upon the name of the Lord shall be saved.”
Okay, now for the reality check. We don't really want everybody in Heaven. Well, what's the point of an empty Hell? Dad put in a clever little cause...
You have to believe in Him (join his Catholic Church) or you are buggered.
This means, for example, that most people in India are going to Hell. Well, they sort of had their chance to sign up as Catholics. I mean, they should have read The Bible and converted. Look, there are bibles in all sorts of places. Bad luck, I guess - I mean being born in India. Or China.
Ah well, you can't please everybody.

In the beginning...

In the beginning there was nothing; just a lot of empty space... and, of course, there was Heaven where we were getting on with our daily lives. Not that we really had a concept of day and night because we gods don't need to sleep. I don't know why dad got it into himself to make man. I guess it was sort of like a hobby. Alternatively he could have invented model trains.

They've taken up quite a bit of his time since he invented them. Ah well, I guess it keeps him busy.