And God spoke all these words, saying: “I am the Lord your God, who brought you out of the land of Egypt, out of the house of bondage. Thanks must be extended to Cecil B. DeMille and Charlton Heston.
- You shall have no other gods before me.
- You shall not make for yourself any carved image, or any likeness of anything that is in heaven above, or that is in the earth beneath, or that is in the water under the earth; you shall not bow down to them nor serve them. For I, the Lord your God, am a jealous God, visiting the iniquity of the fathers on the children to the third and fourth generations of those who hate me, but showing mercy to thousands, to those who love Me and keep My commandments.
- You shall not take the name of the Lord your God in vain, for the Lord will not hold him guiltless who takes His name in vain.
- Remember the Sabbath day, to keep it holy. Six days you shall labor and do all your work, but the seventh day is the Sabbath of the Lord your God. In it you shall do no work: you, nor your son, nor your daughter, nor your manservant, nor your maidservant, nor your cattle, nor your stranger who is within your gates. For in six days the Lord made the heavens and the earth, the sea, and all that is in them, and rested the seventh day. Therefore the Lord blessed the Sabbath day and hallowed it.
- Honor your father and your mother, that your days may be long upon the land which the Lord your God is giving you.
- You shall not murder.
- You shall not commit adultery.
- You shall not steal.
- You shall not bear false witness against your neighbor.
- You shall not covet your neighbor’s house; you shall not covet your neighbor’s wife, nor his manservant, nor his maidservant, nor his ox, nor his donkey, nor anything that is your neighbor’s.”
2. "I am a jealous God." Dad didn't really say it quite like that because, if He exhibited jealousy, He wouldn't be perfect, which He is.
3. Speaks for itself... Don't piss with dad.4. Okay, dad was really only talking to Americans here - which is why he used the American spelling of 'labour'. And also I've just conferred with dad and he said it's now okay for cattle to work on the Sabbath, because cattle don't get considered for Heaven. You could also use tractors.
5. Self explanatory.
6. ditto
7. Don't bonk other people's wives. Pretty straight forward really.
8. This includes downloading pirated stuff.
9. Again only for Americans (see 'neighbor'). The rest of you just use your common sense.
10. Again for Americans, unless you happen to own an ox or a donkey; otherwise don't worry too much about this one.
AG I'm wondering what Cecil B. DeMille's real input into the ten commandments were. I like to think about problems like this. Sure he made a film about it but it was Charlton Heston who was given the tablets by God.
ReplyDeletePhillip, I don't think dad made a good job when he made you.
ReplyDeleteI must confess that I can't follow your line of thinking on this one AG. I mean, isn't your dad perfect? How can he make a bad job of anything?
ReplyDeleteI feel like saying my own Christian name and surname firmly.
ReplyDeleteI think "ass" was changed to "donkey" in number 10 to avoid confusing Americans. What is your father's position on the human posterior? Does he have a big butt himself?
ReplyDeleteGB, all his little play things are made in his image. The problem is deep fried food. Dad thought about adding another commandment but 11 just doesn't sit right. Okay, I know it worked for Ocean's Eleven, but most successful instructional things, or groups, have 10 or 12 - remember The Dirty Dozen and the Twelve Apostles? Seven can work too - as in The Magnificent Seven. Dad's butt is normal size, actually it was intended as the standard. Like I said, blame it on fried food. If I had my way, there'd be another bloody flood; then we could start again with a few changes. Ah, but it didn't work that well last time so dad won't go for it.
ReplyDeleteA jealous god? That's a weird one.
ReplyDeleteNo Richard (of RBB), jealousy is actually okay. It's one of the better emotions that motivates people.
ReplyDelete"Don't bonk other people's wives." May I take this as permission to bonk other people's husbands?
ReplyDeleteU
Ursela, technically speaking dad says that's okay, but just be careful about what country you do it in (Afghanistan = NO!). Yeah, the 10 Commandments really don't cover women bonking men - just like they don't warn of the dangers of cigarette smoking or putting very sharp objects against the tip of one's penis (that little narowness of thought let the flock slip by the concept of circumsism). There again, remember what happened to the good people of Sodom when they pushed the "let's go out and party" bubble. Dad does have mood swings (like jealousy) and can change His mind at times. My advice... just be on the safe side and avoid locust swarms.
ReplyDeleteUrsela, sorry about the mis-spelling of circumcism. I was busy turning water into wine as I wrote.
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