How to get to heaven.

The Bible says in John 3:16 “For God so loved the world, that he gave his only begotten Son (that's me), that whosoever believeth in him should not perish, but have everlasting life.” God loves you, well sort of. Let's just say that you are a good hobby.
Now the bad news...
The Bible also says in Romans 3:23 “For all have sinned, and come short of the glory of God;.” God (dad) is perfect and holy, and the penalty or wages of our sin is separation from God forever. The Bible says in Romans 6:23 “The wages of sin is death.”
In one word... Hell! That's where you're going.
If you want to trust the Lord Angry Jesus as your Savior, you can ask Him (me) to be your Savior and Lord by praying a prayer like this.
“Lord Angry Jesus, I believe you are the Son of God. I confess that I am a sinner and have sinned against you. Thank you for dying on the cross for my sins. I trust what you did on the cross to pay for my sin and I accept your free gift of eternal life. Angry Jesus, you are quite a guy!”
The Bible says in Romans 10:13 “For whosoever shall call upon the name of the Lord shall be saved.”
Okay, now for the reality check. We don't really want everybody in Heaven. Well, what's the point of an empty Hell? Dad put in a clever little cause...
You have to believe in Him (join his Catholic Church) or you are buggered.
This means, for example, that most people in India are going to Hell. Well, they sort of had their chance to sign up as Catholics. I mean, they should have read The Bible and converted. Look, there are bibles in all sorts of places. Bad luck, I guess - I mean being born in India. Or China.
Ah well, you can't please everybody.