Crisp who? No matter, he'll be burnt to a crisp in the afterlife.

I received a prayer ( at aj@praybutimnotbloodylistening.com) from some guy called Crisp.
It read:

Dominus Christi Angry Jesus,

You probably know me because you are all knowing. But in case you don’t, I am Crisp. I was named after a potato chip. I don’t blog because the particular sect I belong to disallows blogging, along with twitter. Our sect sees this as a worshiping Donald Trump. But for some reason we are allowed to read them. (We are also allowed to play bluegrass music.) I’m a great fan of your blog. It is so much better than that of the guy called Bin Hire. Bin Hire needs to sell his oil shares and buy an electric car.

I was interested that you are going to write/edit/publish a third testament. It is long overdue. King James had ago a few centuries along but it was mainly his spin on the Bible. I think he wrote it to get up the nose of the Vatican.
Writing a third testament will be a lot different than your last publication. Here is some advice. Scrolls won’t work. You will probably have to self-publish on Amazon. I suggest e-books, and perhaps even think about some interactive platforms. Make sure you retain all the rights, especially the film rights. The last testament (aka the New Testament) was never really a hit with Hollywood - unlike your early publication, The Bible. As you edit all the contributions keep an eye out for what may work on the big screen. There should be lots of super heroes, and something that can fit into three acts. Sex also works. 

Another matter to be aware of is defamation. The times have changed. The writings must be balanced and fair; otherwise Satan will be filing writs in every jurisdiction, including heaven.

Last word; don’t forget to publish a comic version. 
May the force be with you
Crisp

Now, I'll be honest, I usually can't be bothered answering prayers but this guy caught me in a good slightly better mood. So I replied:

Crisp,

Look I’ll be blunt.
You sound like a weirdo. King James did not write the New Testament AND he was a wanker. I can spot a wanker miles off. Bin Hire lives in Lower Hutt and I think he is a science teacher. Therefore he won’t have oil shares. Have you been to Lower Hutt lately? Oh yes, that’s right, your silly sect doesn’t let you on the motorway. I know the Amazon – Dad made it. It’s just full of primitive tribes who don’t wear pants. The Third Testament will be in book form because it needs to be put in hotel rooms - obviously. If anyone tries to sue me, I’ll turn them into stone. You mention Donald Trump. At least he reminded me that we need a bit of fire and brimstone, as is the modern way. 
Look Crisp, I’m happy that you have a sect but, if you don’t come back to the one true church, you’re going to burn in Hell. At least you’ll have Richard (of RBB) there with you. Perhaps you two could play some hot jazz. Ha ha! I don’t like jazz musicians because they always seem to lose the tune. 
Thanks for telling me how to run the universe. I’m assuming you’ve created a universe yourself before, otherwise your advice is like something you’d get from a donkey in a manger, and more likely from his rear end.
I suggest you keep reading my blog and get more familiar with the New Testament (while you're waiting for part 3). 
This is a message from your Saviour,
Angry Jesus

Cool off Crisp.