As God said to Moses, "Don't forget to take the tablets."

Okay, so my friend who is going to Hell (Richard (of RBB)) is going to be away for a few days and has left me in charge around here. The Curmudgeon will be my altar boy over this period.

I'll be inspecting blogs and rating them out of 10. So I hope all you bloggers will be doing what you can to lift your act. 

Here's some advice, if you want a good mark:

• Don't write bloody poems
• No posts about cleaning
• No scenic photos
• No pictures of housing repairs
• No lectures about wine
• Don't be boring.

Okay, that last one is going to be tough for The Curmudgeon and Robert - just do your best.

Who's the boss? You're looking at him.

Il capo.

So Richard (of RBB) is heading up north and has left me in charge.*
So, for the next while I'll be:
a) running the universe and
b) keeping an eye on our blogging community.

I've decided to instigate a few rules for the blogging community:

1. all bloggers will adore me
2. no other people trying to be in charge
3. no coveting another blogger's woman (or man)
4. no stealing livestock from other bloggers
5. everyone will attend Mass on Sunday
6. no wanking 
7. no playing Westlife songs on the violin
8. all bloggers will read the bible, or at least a few pages
9. no starting any religions
10. write blogs only after wine and not beer.

I HAVE SPOKEN.

And by 'God' I mean me. AJ

* he said that The Curmudgeon can be my alter boy

A sign from us.

When it gets windy that means that either dad or I am angry or, in this case, a bit pissed off.

This is what I did when National

won the far north electorate in

New Zealand.

Okay, not a big gesture but do you get the seat metaphor?

As you know we are gods of the whole world. You'd think we wouldn't be too worried about a piddly little country like New Zealand, but I have a few blogging friends there. I know The Curmudgeon won't be too pleased that his electorate has gone blue. He's a guy who has lost his faith so maybe I'm poking him a bit. My loyal servant Robert voted blue in a previous election so I made his electorate blue for him this time. No need to thank me Robert.

I don't like Mondays. For one thing there are less people actually worshiping me. Maybe we need compulsory mass on Mondays too?

Well, that's it from me today. This has been one of my milder posts.

The Parable About The Fate of the Man Who Had Three Testicles.

Abihu (TMWTT) lived a long life and bred like a rabbit.

But finally his time came and he met St Peter at the Pearly Gates.

St Peter looked at him and said he had to first answer three questions.

Abihu thought for a moment and said, "I will make you a bet that I can give the answers to each of your questions before you ask them."

"What are my three questions?" St Peter asked.

Abihu quickly replied, "Well, there's your first!"

"But you said you'd tell me before I asked them." retorted St Peter. "Have you really got three testicles?"

"As surely as Aitradu the midget blacksmith of Nesaru will never be called  a big guy." Abihu replied in an attempt to throw St Peter off balance.

Just then Angry Jesus walked up to the two ex-men.

"It was me who gave him the extra testicle. Stop making such a big thing out of it Pete. Let the guy in."

St Peter was visibly pissed off but had no choice but to obey his saviour.

Abihu grinned at St Peter as he entered. He turned out to be as popular with the ladies in Heaven as he had been back on Jasper.*

Unfortunately sex doesn't really work in Heaven. What would be the point? I mean, you have to die to get there, not be born. Still Abihu enjoyed a good eternity and tried to avoid grouchy old St Peter as much as possible.

"I'd like to get that three testicled shit Abihu!"

Parables generally have a moral. The moral here is that if Angry Jesus gives you an extra testicle, things will probably turn out okay - for eternity.

* aka Earth

The Parable of the Man who had Three Testicles.

Abihu had taken up residence in Beersheba and was on hand when Angry Jesus made a rare visit.

Ancient Beersheba

Angry Jesus entered the city on a donkey and crowds gathered to see him, he was sort of the Elvis of his time.

Sorry but you have to imagine Angry Jesus sitting on him.

Abihu was in the crowd and called out, "I like some of your ideas, but this Holy Trinity thing is shit!"
Angry Jesus glanced at him.
As was his custom without thinking, Abihu had a little scratch. He was surprised to feel an extra testicle.

Obviously a Jewish picture.

Angry Jesus looked at him and spoke, "Let your three testicles serve to remind you of the Holy Trinity."

Abihu adapted pretty well to his little bonus addition and, on the very infrequent occasion that he got lucky with a lady, it served as quite a novelty. The only down side was that he had to be careful when he sat down.

This Parable shows the power of Angry Jesus to get a point across. It also shows that sometimes, in the past, he acted without really thinking things through. Abihu went on to have 17 children and 52 grandchildren. Although he couldn't quite buy the concept of three people in one god, he kept a soft spot in his heart for the Holy Trinity.

Angry Jesus, "Dad, what happened to our plates?"

God the Father, "We're wearing them son."

I am who am.

That's a bloody silly sentence really. It sounds like something Yoda would say on Star Wars.

"Being me today I am."

I see that Robert (one of my flock) thinks the NZ political elections are undemocratic. Well, I do see everything.
I'm actually okay with undemocratic.
Me and dad and mum go more for the adore us approach.
On that topic, I hope you've been adoring me today.

And just remember...

There's an 'I' in WORSHIP because you adore ME!

Proof that I exist.

Some of those stuck up atheists say that the whole Christian thing is not true.Well, on this post, on this morning (southern hemisphere time), on this bloody day I'm going to prove them wrong.

Here I am, this is me, suck on that atheists!

Okay, it all starts with the Holy Trinity - that's dad, me and mum. Think of it like a family except that we have a bloody lot of power.
We made these creatures called angels - not to be confused with angles.

Angel

Angle

It turns out that there were good angels and bad angels. One was a real shit named Lucifer and he started the famous war between good and evil.
Obviously we were the good guys.
Okay, and here's my point.
How could this war have taken place if we didn't exist?

I even have a picture to prove it.

Wake up atheists, you're going to Hell unless you buck up your ideas and repent!

I'm here to lead the way.

Okay Robert, I was having a wine (made from water) when I heard your request to chat. Bad timing boy, but here I am. Ask away.

BTW this tastes like a clearskin. Note to self - check out more expensive wines to make.