Okay, who has a birthday coming up?

Me dickhead!

Yep, takes me back to thinking of those days when the old man decided to send me down to Earth to save your sorry arses.
Well, hasn't that move paid off well for humanity!
Well, I'll tell you right now, I'm not coming back for a second try. Not bloody likely.
Anyway, Heaven is getting overcrowded with God Botherers; I might just suggest that we send the rest of you souls to Hell.
Why not? I'm tiring of you lot quite a bit. Maybe I'll save dolphins next. They seem like a happy swimmy lot.
I could get them to build churches in the water, and I could give them a waterproof bible. I could even invent dolphin clergy and dolphin Brothers who could fiddle with young dolphins.

Ah well, we'll see after my birthday. I might change my mind, about the dolphin thing, if I get lots of sucking up and lots of presents.

Hell, that's where all these bloggers who question my teaching are going.

So The Curmudgeon and Richard (of RBB) are questioning my teaching. Well, they're both off to Hell. Then let's see how smart they are. I expect that the Twisted Scottish Bastard has a ticket too; a one way ticket.

Okay, I have a birthday coming up.

2010 years ago dad sent me down to Earth (I believe it is now called Jasper) as a baby. My earth (Jasper) dad didn't get his end up, but my earth (Jasper) mum still got pregnant - this way saved a lot of pissing around and money being wasted on a bottle or two of wine to set the scene.
I was born in a manger in the year 0.
There were no crows present in the manger when I was born. That's basically how it went.
Catch you later.

What are the chances?

The chances of being in a plane crash are about the same as winning Lotto, or being in a church when it is hit by lightning. This is why you should spend more time in church. It is a fact that Roman Catholic churches have an even lower incidence of being hit by lightning that any other church. This is because it is the true church and all the others are really fakes. Avoid Anglican churches like the plague and stay well away from anything with an Eastern flavour. God is more on the side of Western countries. He has to make a stand on who he supports because, when there is a war, both sides like to claim that God is on their side. How can he let both sides win? Every war would end in a draw. That's just silly.

All this about priests being paedophiles is crap. Most of them aren't. It's a conspiracy started by athiests. Athiests work for Satan.

There we are, I hope you've learnt something this morning. Go in peace. Unless, of course, your country is imvolved in a war.

Wisdom from Me.

Don't throw your prayers on the ground. I do not want lip service either, so don't grease up all the time.
In fact, some of your prayers should be stuck up your own arses. It is I who shields you from the demonic would be Jesus types like Jeshua. My cross will protect you but only if you're going to church every Sunday; that's the rule of thumb.
Oh, and you don't need to worry about crows if you employ good servants.
That's about it.

No more Mr Nice Jesus!

Well, not while this guy's around! The shit he talks is not good shit.
Here's an example:
"I appear to many, I show them my heart, I give signs by letting my images shed tears."
That's right, he's into sheds, bloody sheds! He pretends that he cares, but all he wants to bloody do is sell you a shed.
Don't trust this guy...
you have been warned.

Why you should go to church.

I've set up a lot of churches, with priests supplied, for your playing pleasure. When you go to church, you drasticly increase your chances of not finishing up in Hell. Unfortunately, other idiots offer the 'church experience' too. Mine are the Roman Catholic ones and are generally named after saints. Avoid all the others. Only come to mine.
The priests (I've supplied) will give sermons that will tell you how you should be living your life. Listen carefully. Like I said, if you get it wrong, you'll get a one way ticket to Hell when you expire.
There we are. No need to thank me. Well, actually, there is a need to thank me. You can do that while you're sitting in one of my churches.

Why are people saying I'm gay?

The Curmudgeon says, of this picture on Second Fiddle's blog,
"One of them is about to bitch-slap the other."
This is not true. Okay, I admit that I do look a little gay in this picture, but it's the bloody artist's fault. Thank God (sorry dad) for the modern camera! Artists make everyone look like a bloody women.
What is actually happrning is that John the Baptist has just chased a crow away that bit me him the arm. Poor old John (tB), crows are always pecking him. You can see me examining the wound. I am not particularly enjoying touching his arm and definitely don't feel aroused.

Facts about The Universe.

The Universe was invented (by God the Father) as a place to put everything. Heaven, Hell and Limbo are on different dimensions. This means that people of the future won't be able to get to Heaven using a space rocket. The Universe is full of positives and negatives - good and evil. The most evil entity is Satan.

Black holes were invented by him. Then there are crows. Crows do Satan's work.

                                  

They are sort of the opposite of my angels. I gave mankind servants to help in the fight against evil.

Man has reason to be thankful and to praise God.
Some of my creation don't get the picture. I'm talking about realising that I am the boss.
The man in the picture below has not attended church in a very long time. His problem is that he doesn't understand The Universe.
In an effort to save him (you've got to admine my for trying so hard), I'll spell out, for him, what he needs to know about The Universe:
1) God (I'm part of that franchise.) made it.
2) People in The Universe will eventually finish up in Heaven or Hell or Limbo.
3) It pays to praise me regularly if you don't fancy a long, long time in Hell.

There, it's really that simple.

The parable of the good crow.

There once was a farmer who grew crops to feed the people in his area. He supplied food at a reasonable cost. Okay, he did heavily discount his wine to attract customers and the wine growers lived wretched lives, but at least they could get pissed and drown their sorrows. One day a wicked wine grower sent crows to destroy his crops. When the farmer saw the crows coming, he rushed to get his servants, but they'd all gone on a servants' picnic and there was no one to stop the crows eating all the crops. Then a mysterious crow turned up and told the crows not to eat this particular crops. The mysterious crow told the other crows about a vinyard that had delicious grapes and they all flew away to feast on some pisshead wine grower's grapes.

The farmer thanked the mysterious crow and asked him why he had helped. The mysterious crow removed his crow head and the farmer could see that he was in fact his most loyal servant dressed up. He'd missed the servants' picnic to help his master. The farmer rewarded him with a little bird seed he'd once been given.

This parable tells of how wine growers can be very evil and this is why modern supermarkets sell their wine cheaply. The good crow represents people who happily use their One Card to get extra discounts and are prepared to chase crows away from supermarkets.

Crows represent the biggest evil mankind faces.

That's why I invented the concept of servants. Servants are good at chasing crows away.

Info on Angels.

Wikipedia tells us,
"Angels are messengers of  God in the Hebrew Bible, the  New Testament and the Quran. The term "angel" has also been expanded to various notions of "spiritual beings" found in many other religious traditions. Other roles of angels include protecting and guiding human beings, and carrying out God's tasks."
This is basically right, but a bit flowery. Look at the picture.
Angels are basically guys without penises (angels are sexless) who look more like girls.
These girlie boys are good fighters - remember they beat Satan (Son of the Dawn? Ha Ha!) and his lot in the great battle between good and evil. Angels can't really reproduce (no penises, remember) but they live for a very long time, so it doesn't really matter.

I've included a picture of the Archangel Michael. He's sort of like a general. Again, no penis, but a bloody good fighter.
Although, in my parables, it's usually servants that chase away the crows, Michael (and other penisless guys like Gabriel) could easily do this too. It just seems a bit over the top to call in angels to do a job that servants have covered.

There we are, now you have the low down on angels.

The parable of the talents.

It is a simple story that I tell here. A man who is preparing to leave on a journey entrusts his possessions to his servants. He distributes his wealth among three servants, apportioned to them on the basis of their abilities. To the first he entrusts five talents, to the second two talents, and to the third one talent. The first two servants quickly set to work with their master’s money. The third servant does not invest his master’s money at all; he digs a hole in the ground and buries his master’s money. When the master returns, the first two eagerly meet him, apparently delighted with the opportunity to multiply their master’s money. Both are commended as “good and faithful servants”; both are rewarded with increased responsibilities in their master’s service; both are invited to share in their master’s joy. They get to watch him (the master) get pissed - hey, no point in over rewarding servants, unless they chase away crows.

The master’s dealings with the third servant is a very different matter. This servant comes to his master with only the talent his master had originally entrusted to him. He did not increase his master’s money at all. In fact, if this were to take place today, that money would likely be worthless, due to inflation. This servant offers a reasonable excuse for his conduct. He tells his master that a bird in the hand is worth two in the bush. He contends that this is why he was afraid to take a risk with any kind of possibly foolish investment., and so he simply hid the money; and now he returns it without any gain but at least the original money is safe. The 'bird in the bush' thing eventually becomes a famous saying and reaches more people than did the efforts of the first two 'money happy' servants. The master is about to rebuke this third servant, but then crows start attacking the master's crops. Without being asked to, the third servent rushes out and chases the crows away. The other two servants are too busy totalling up how much money they have made to even notice the crows - selfish, self absorbed bastards that they really are.

The master realises that the third servant, by saving his crops, is actuallent the smartest servent with the most 'talent' and he lets him sleep in the barn with his cattle as a reward. He flogs the first two servants for being greedy bastards. They are also made to dress as crows and repent for being too much like investment portfolio managers when, in fact, they're supposed to be bloody servants.

The paraple of the prodigal son.

The parable begins with a young man, the younger of two sons, who asks his father to give him his share of the estate. The parable continues by describing how the younger son travels to a distant country and wastes all his money in wild living. When a famine strikes, he becomes desperately poor and is forced to take work as a swineherd. When he reaches the point of envying the pigs he is looking after, he finally comes to his senses:

"When he came to his senses, he said, 'How many of my father's hired men have food to spare, and here I am starving to death! I will set out and go back to my father and say to him: Father, I have sinned against heaven and against you. I am no longer worthy to be called your son; make me like one of your hired men.'

So he got up and went to his father. But while he was still a long way off, his father saw him and was filled with compassion for him; he ran to his son, threw his arms around him and kissed him."

But the story goes on to say that crows attacked the boy and pecked him. His father called his servants to chase the crows away, but the boy learnt a good lesson - if you bugger off and waste your father's money, crows will attack you and peck holes in your flesh.

A parable about living in modern times.

There was a man who worked in an office. He was involved in finance and transferring money from A to B.

One day he had a lot of money out, ready to transfer somewhere else. Then a flock of crows came and picked up all his money and stole it. Servants came out to chase the crows away. Unfortunately the crows escaped with most of the money.

The moral is this:

Crows are bloody evil; probably on a par with Satan and people who push into queues at cafes.

How leaders are decided on - a parable.

A place of teaching needed a leader and four wise men stepped forward.

The first man said,

"I'm think that, in the eyes of God, I am an honest man who has the ability to pass on our culture and fear of God."

The second man followed,

"I do not fear God because He is merciful, therefore I would teach from a perspective of love, but I wouldn't be taking any shit."

The third man, a Philistine, just seemed intent on taking the piss and running down the local art.

The fourth man was a stranger, a Roman, and suggested that random crucifixions would keep those being taught in line.

Then some crows came and started pecking the four men and anyone else who was around.

People ran for cover and some servants came out to chase the birds away.

The moral of this parable is that, whoever was the best person for the job, whoever let the crows out was an evil bastard; probably Satan. Satan makes it hard for teaching places to find good leaders.

Okay, let's kick things off with a parable.

A parable is a little story like thingy I sometimes use because some of my flock are too bloody thick to see the obvious.
Here goes:
There was a guy planting seeds in a field (me). I, I mean the guy, planted good quality seed. Some bastard sent a lot of crows to eat the seeds. This really buggered up the planting. The guy gets his servants to chase the crows away. The bastard I mentioned would probably be Satan, or some other extremely unpleasant low life. Or maybe another farmer who kept crows.
It doesn't really matter who the crows are; they're just bloody crows. I suppose they could be lost souls.
Anyway, the point is this...
Some bastards try to stuff things up by sending crows. Here's my message to bad bastards - don't do that, but if you must, don't use crows because I don't like them.

Hey thanks to my mate Jesh for fishing up this story for me.

It's time to spread the message.

Yeah, I'm talking about my message.
I expect all Christians to visit this blog and take bloody note of what I've got to say.
What I say here over rides all other instructions you might be getting from weirdo priests or anyone else claiming to be passing on my thoughts.