The four stages of knowing Me.

"Hi, I'm Angry Jesus and

I'm here to save your arse."

If you want to get on the right side of me here are four things that you must do:

1) You've got to seek me out. I'm not that hard to find - just read My blog.
2) You've got to pray to Me, but first of all you've got to accept that you are a sinner. You are like a weed in a beautiful flower garden, or like a cockroach who is sitting on a child's birthday cake. If you can't accept this, bugger off now.
3) When you pray to Me and Adore Me, listen out for Satan. He is never far away and is an expert in disguise. He might dress up as a bass player, or a door to door salesman, or a shop assistant, or a doctor's receptionist, or a wine expert. The bugger is everywhere! If you make sure you're praying to Me you'll feel good and I'll feel a bit better too because I like the attention.
4) The best you can expect is a dark night of the soul when I remove Myself, but you should feel good and sing a lot! Except, of course, if your singing is really bad. Maybe people who can't sing could learn the trumpet or just recite a poem? If being very hungry helps then go for it. There are always take aways if you get desperate. If lying in front of buses helps, you'll be in Heaven real soon.

Okay, I hope that helps.

Let's finish off with a reading from The Book of Baxter 7:88, 12. "Finding God."

Baxter

In the days when Angry Jesus walked among the people Baxter had set off on a long journey to the south. He took three ships that had been built by the Timplinites - a tribe who were famous for their boat building skills.

He made a quick stop over at a big country that he called Aussie, after Aussietone the King of the Timplinites. It only seemed right, since his people had built Baxter's ships. The only news he had of back home came from courier pigeons - remember that there were no cell phones in biblical times. Obviously these courier pigeons were bigger and more robust than the ones we have today - it's a long flight from the Holy Land to Aussie. One day a pigeon arrived with news that there would be a sermon on The Mount. Baxter stabbed the pigeon through the back of its head and told the ship's cook to cook it. He felt sorry for the creature having to fly all the way home. Then he ordered the ships to set sail to the south east. They went ashore on this small island he named New Israel and he and his men headed up a hill to hear the sermon.

The Mount

They waited and waited, but no sermon took place. Eventual Baxter became angry and ordered his men to slaughter any natives they could find. After a while of slaughtering, Baxter ordered his ships to head for home. He calmed down on the long trip and found solace in the fact that none of the people he had slaughtered would risk starving to death. Also they had missed out on the word of The Lord (no sermon) and would continue to be sinners. At least, this way they would go to Limbo and not Hell.

"No need to thank me." Baxter thought as the ships sailed towards home. He knew it would be a while before God's word reached these southern parts and people would have the opportunity to find Him. For years Baxter wondered about that note telling him about the sermon. Perhaps the pigeon got it wrong?