Sunday, December 10, 2017

Baxter - the early years and how he found God.*

The book of Baxter starts with a question.
Baxter 1:1 1
How does a successful warlord move forward?
By the age of 17 Baxter had conquered and slaughtered most of the tribes that made their home on both sides of the mighty Serimaya River.
He owned 27 oxen, 500 goats and had acquired 12 wives, which meant sex on demand.

Baxter at 17
Yet Baxter craved for more.
One day one of his generals brought his servant before him.
"Oh Great Warlord, " the general said, "This man has been saying strange mystical things. He claims that there is a God above all other gods and to receive His message one must pass by the jaws of Gesma. This Almighty God shows proof of His existence near the Temple of Abraham in East Babylon. What should we do with this information?"
Baxter drew his sword and stabbed the servent in the throat, more by habit than anything else. The general looked shocked but Baxter said,
"A servant's blood passes back to the earth like water. Do not be afraid when your day approaches general."
Then he stabbed the general in the throat, mainly because he was going to be busy and it would take a while to explain everything to the general who was related to a Saradite and consequently not too bright.

Saradites


Baxter called for his best horse to be saddled and chose three men to accompany him. Then he headed off for East Babylon.


East Babylon

As the four horsemen approached they saw a huge dragon. His three companions, all good warriors, were terrified and galloped off. Baxter rode towards the dragon. It was a talking dragon and it said,
"I am Gesma and I think I will have to eat you."

The jaws of Gesma.
Baxter galloped into Gesma's mouth and rode down into his throat and then follow his bloodstream into his head where he stabbed both his eyes and hacked at his brain.
Baxter exited the way he had come in and rode on to East Babylon.

Finally he arrived at the mighty steps in front of the Temple of Abraham.

Steps in front of the Temple of Abraham

He was about to climb the steps but something told him to turn around to face the mighty Babylon River. He did so and saw his answer.


A message from God

The message on the building said 'God cares'. Baxter fell to his knees and prayed for a short while. Just a short while. Then he knew that he must serve God, as long as it didn't effect his current lifestyle too much. It was then that Baxter was inspired to write The Book of Baxter.

Praise be to God.*
Baxter said to add, "Praise be to Baxter too."


* my Dad

6 comments:

  1. Look, here's a suggestion. Next time that you make a mushroom omelette for lunch don't get the mushrooms from that strange hippy couple down the road.

    THE FOOD CURMUDGEON

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  2. No it's clever and interesting and fun. Who would have thought the Kennedy Good bridge could serve as a prop to an historical biblical story!

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  3. Ah, 10/10 for Robert! Though actually it's the Ewan bridge, though I really could be incorrect about this.

    The Curmudgeon = Fail.

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  4. Filmed in Lower Hutt. No Curmudgeons were hurt in making this sermon.

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  5. You know Baxter sounds like a right cunt*


    * This comment brought to you by Villa Maria Cellar Selection Chardonnay 2016.

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