The first Christmas day - what really happened.

Well, there was this guy called Joseph who was a sun hat salesman. Joseph fancied this lady, called Mary, who people think is my mother. Not true though because obviously my mother is Mrs God, Dad's wife.

Mum, Mrs God, is sometimes referred to as The Holy Spirit, or The Holy Ghost.
Anyway, Dad got this crazy plan to send me down to Jasper (aka Earth) to save everyone from sin. It was a silly idea because He could have just waved His hand and sin would have disappeared. Anyway, after a few chardonnays we'd been having a bit of an argument and I was making more sense than He was.
He didn't like that, so He says,
"I'm going to bloody well send you down to Jasper (aka Earth) to wipe out sin and save people, but here's the funny bit, they'll have to nail you to a cross!"
I said,
"No bleeding way!"
But Dad had made up his mind and he didn't want to back off. Mum said to look on it as an adventure.
The next bloody thing I'm in Mary's womb.
"WTF!" I thought and realised that I had just invented computer speak.
Then there is all this grunting. I'm aware of being squeezed.
When I open my eyes, I'm in a bloody farm house!
The first thing that Joseph does is put a sun hat on my head!
I try to say,
"Look, dickhead, we're inside a farm house. Why do you think I need a bloody sun hat?"
But then I realise that Dad has turned me into a baby and I can't speak.
So here I am, in a farm house with two people I don't really know, wearing a sun hat and listening to the bleating of bloody animals.
I'm thinking to myself,
"Okay, I'll have to put on a good show and get these people to realise who I am. Then maybe they won't nail me to that cross.
Mary says to Joseph, "Where did that baby come from? We haven't even had a bonk! And why when we're in a farm house? Why couldn't we be in a hospital or something?"
Joseph replies, "Well, at least it's a better class of farm house. People are calling them mangers these days. People with mangers have been buying a lot of sun hats. What will we call this baby who was born without any bonking?"
Then, at that moment, three kings of fairly average intelligence enter. One of them stubbs his toe on a rock* and the rest is history.

* Some scholars wonder what a rock was doing in a farm house but others point out that this was part of God's plan so that His son would be correctly named. They refute the question by saying that God can do anything and he put the rock there.

Okay, who wrote The Bible?

Well, it wasn't me. Remember that I was dead at the time. Well, I had resurrected, but I was sort of dead again after that, albeit spending time in Heaven.
Here is a picture of me after I resurrected...

Yep, that's how I looked - after having been dead. Okay, okay, it's an artist's impression!
Anyway, back to The Bible, I'm really not sure who wrote the bloody thing, but it is a bit of a yawn.

The Parable of the Straight Banana.

Back in the old days, when I came down to Jasper (aka Earth) to save your miserable arses, people were slightly more stupid than they are now. Note that I use the word 'slightly'. Okay, you want some examples. Well, I can't think of any right now but take my word for it because I'm the Son of friggin' God.
In those days people used to ask me lots of questions about the order of things. They liked neat little packages - you know what I mean, this is good but that is bad. How could I tell them that life, and the finite universe, really just isn't that simple?
One day a farmer came to me. He was really worried because his neighbour was growing straight bananas and he thought this must be the work of Satan.
What a stupid dick, but I couldn't just come straight out and say that to him because he wouldn't have understood.
Plan B - make up a parable.
"There was a farmer in Corinth who wanted to grow bananas, even though the soil in that area wasn't suited to growing bananas. The neighbouring farmers laughed at him when they saw him planting banana trees. A few years passed and the neighbours started to watch as it was time for his first crop to start growing. One farmer predicted that his bananas would be red, like the devil, but the general consensus was that his bananas would be straight - as a punishment from God. What actually happened was that the trees flowered, but no fruit was produced."
You see, dad doesn't really spend a lot of time worrying about bloody bananas and who grows them. It's just that the soil wasn't right in this area and science won out over religious mumbo jumbo.
Look, I guess the moral is that bananas don't have to be bent, or straight. It's what they taste like that really counts.
There is a lot of shit, in the bible, about a lot of things. People should use their common sense, and their brains. For God's sake! (sorry dad) What's the point of having a brain if you don't use it?

God found drunk!

Well, actually it was me, not dad. I found this drunk guy. He'd had enough to drink, so I took what was left of his bottle of red wine. Not a bad drop really.

Proof of God's existence.

People often ask why God just doesn't come out and say,
"Here I am."
This is basically because God is a bit embarrassed by some of you.

Well, quite a lot of you actually. There are many of you who don't measure up to His likeness.

As your Heavenly Father He is disappointed. He gave you everything. Well, nearly everything until Adam stuffed up. Still, He gave you quite a bit - including the 'in His own image' thing. Deep fried foods and alcohol were a mistake. Dad blames me for turning water into wine, but, in my defence, I never turned fruit into deep fried food. I never even conceived a pineapple ring covered in batter.

God is basically ashamed of a lot of you and that's why He just doesn't come out and say,

"Okay, here I am. I made everything you see, everything you can smell and touch."

Maybe you all need to get your combined act together if you want proof of the existence of Dad.

The Parable of The Good Snake.

Okay, generally speaking, in biblical circles, snakes have a bit of a bad name. There is one snake, though, who crawled against the grain.
A man from Corinth was walking in a nearby desert when he became overcome by the heat and ran out of water. Soon he was laying on the ground and near death.
A snake was passing and saw the man. This was a talking snake - from the same species that was in the Garden of Eden.
The snake asked the man,
"Why are you laying on the ground?"
Being from Corinth, the man had a bit of a tongue on him and replied,
"Jesus! That's a bloody stupid question!"
The snake assumed that the man wanted to be with Jesus, who had been crucufued a little while back, so he bit him and the man died.

Although the snake really got the wrong end of the stick, so to speak, he had a good heart and was only trying to help.

I guess the moral of this parable is that, even if you are in a bad mood, for whatever reason, it pays to answer questions accurately, so that the person (or talking snake) you are talking to understands what your true intentions or desires are.

The Parable of the good money lender who set up business in the temple.

1985.

There was a church in a poor suburb called Blat and people had to drive rusty old cars and seldom could afford takeaways. A good money lender came to the church and offered people loans. He worked out a plan where he charged 70% interest and people could borrow up to $3000. He had a card that he gave out in church, just before the priest came out.
The Good people of Blat were happy because they could now buy more beer and takeaways. The young people also had lots of soft drinks and put on weight. This meant that the forward pack in the Blat senior rugby team got very heavy and they had the best scrum in the city wide competition. They won all their games using rolling malls.

If people couldn't pay back their loans, the good money lender gave them extra time but simply charged them more interest.
One day a man came to him and said he wouldn't pay back the money he owned. The good money lender prayed for guidence and the Lord instructed him to go around to this man's house and break things. After this the man always paid because he saw God's plan.
God spoke to the good money lender saying,
"You have helped my people. You are a good money lender."
The suburb of Blat was known by all in the city as a blessed suburb.

Honour the third commandment, for my sake!

Okay, there's too much swearing in the world right now. It's like bloody people have forgotten where to find adjectives and exclamations.
I don't really mind the 'f' word, but it's when people use my friggin' name when they stuff up, or are angry.
If I hit my finger with a hammer, I don't pick up a phone book, find a random name and say it.
I don't turn to page 154, scroll down with my finger, and stop at one name.
"Francis-Smythe, Jeremy. Hey, I'll use that. Jeremy Francis-Smythe!"

I mean, I don't even know the guy. Why would I want to say his name because I am pissed off?
Read the old testament, morons made in my image, in those days we didn't piss around. Dad, mum (aka the holy spirit - nothing to do with the fact that she drinks a bit too much) and I didn't take shit from anyone. Well, we're getting back to that approach in my new book - The Newer Testament; it's designed to replace that PC follow up to the old testament.
So watch it, you lot of pathetic followers who just happen to look a bit like me, the mamby pamby bloody days are over.

The Newer Testament (Part II)

1.5 People need a sign. I don't know why but people like signs. Signs are pretty easy to do. I'm not really talking about a sign like this.

More like this.

1.6 Yes, I like that one. It's sort of symbolic. It has that crucifix link - people will get the idea of who it is from.
1.7 Though this one could work too.

You know - don't eat the apple!
1.8 Maybe I could just go on TV?
1.9 No. People don't really believe TV anymore - too many bloody reality shows.
2.0 Maybe I should work through a blog. A simple blog... not too popular and not with a religious theme. I'll use my godly powers to find one.
Ah, this one looks interesting!

The Newer Testament (Part I)

I've decided to write the third part of the Testament trilogy, the other two parts being The Old and The New.

1.1 Things are not all that they should be on planet Jasper (aka Earth). Too many people are getting fat and the youth are out of control. God thinks that we may need a new set of commandments, but where is Charlton Moses when you need him?
God will have to deliver His commandments to someone else, but this person will first have to prove himself.
1.2 God, The Father of all men, is thinking. Will He wipe out the existing population and start again? He decides to basically go with what He has got.
1.3 God decides to update His image. The beard is gone and He now wears a business suit. He is the CEO if the biggest corporation ever.

1.4 His Only Begotten Son will be taking a slightly different marketing approach too.

The time has come!

These bloody atheists and their science mamby pamby views are getting totally out of hand! They keep asking for proof of our (me, dad and mum - aka the holy spirit) existence.
It seems that The Bible isn't good enough for them.
Okay, it's time. We're going multi-media. Expect to see Us shortly on all your favourite TV channels. Expect to see Us on the internet. We are coming to remove all doubt!
Prepare to be in the presence of Us!

The time for this atheist evolutionary bullshit is over. We will be bringing back Adam and Eve (now considerably older) as proof that the bloody creationists are right!
This time we won't be pissing around. There WILL be proof that We are here and in control.
Hey, and if you don't like it, there is always the option of a one way ticket to Hell!
Get tuned in flock. The time for pissing around is over.

The Ten Commandments Explained.

And God spoke all these words, saying: “I am the Lord your God, who brought you out of the land of Egypt, out of the house of bondage. Thanks must be extended to Cecil B. DeMille and Charlton Heston.

1. You shall have no other gods before me.
2. You shall not make for yourself any carved image, or any likeness of anything that is in heaven above, or that is in the earth beneath, or that is in the water under the earth; you shall not bow down to them nor serve them. For I, the Lord your God, am a jealous God, visiting the iniquity of the fathers on the children to the third and fourth generations of those who hate me, but showing mercy to thousands, to those who love Me and keep My commandments. 
3. You shall not take the name of the Lord your God in vain, for the Lord will not hold him guiltless who takes His name in vain.
4. Remember the Sabbath day, to keep it holy. Six days you shall labor and do all your work, but the seventh day is the Sabbath of the Lord your God. In it you shall do no work: you, nor your son, nor your daughter, nor your manservant, nor your maidservant, nor your cattle, nor your stranger who is within your gates. For in six days the Lord made the heavens and the earth, the sea, and all that is in them, and rested the seventh day. Therefore the Lord blessed the Sabbath day and hallowed it.
5. Honor your father and your mother, that your days may be long upon the land which the Lord your God is giving you.
6. You shall not murder.
7. You shall not commit adultery.
8. You shall not steal.
9. You shall not bear false witness against your neighbor.
10. You shall not covet your neighbor’s house; you shall not covet your neighbor’s wife, nor his manservant, nor his maidservant, nor his ox, nor his donkey, nor anything that is your neighbor’s.”

1. Ha! Dad was sort of joking here, because obviously there are no other gods! Well, except for God the Mother and yours truely.
2. "I am a jealous God." Dad didn't really say it quite like that because, if He exhibited jealousy, He wouldn't be perfect, which He is.
3. Speaks for itself... Don't piss with dad.
4. Okay, dad was really only talking to Americans here - which is why he used the American spelling of 'labour'. And also I've just conferred with dad and he said it's now okay for cattle to work on the Sabbath, because cattle don't get considered for Heaven. You could also use tractors.
5. Self explanatory.
6. ditto
7. Don't bonk other people's wives. Pretty straight forward really.
8. This includes downloading pirated stuff.
9. Again only for Americans (see 'neighbor'). The rest of you just use your common sense.
10. Again for Americans, unless you happen to own an ox or a donkey; otherwise don't worry too much about this one.

How to get to heaven.

The Bible says in John 3:16 “For God so loved the world, that he gave his only begotten Son (that's me), that whosoever believeth in him should not perish, but have everlasting life.” God loves you, well sort of. Let's just say that you are a good hobby.
Now the bad news...
The Bible also says in Romans 3:23 “For all have sinned, and come short of the glory of God;.” God (dad) is perfect and holy, and the penalty or wages of our sin is separation from God forever. The Bible says in Romans 6:23 “The wages of sin is death.”
In one word... Hell! That's where you're going.
If you want to trust the Lord Angry Jesus as your Savior, you can ask Him (me) to be your Savior and Lord by praying a prayer like this.
“Lord Angry Jesus, I believe you are the Son of God. I confess that I am a sinner and have sinned against you. Thank you for dying on the cross for my sins. I trust what you did on the cross to pay for my sin and I accept your free gift of eternal life. Angry Jesus, you are quite a guy!”
The Bible says in Romans 10:13 “For whosoever shall call upon the name of the Lord shall be saved.”
Okay, now for the reality check. We don't really want everybody in Heaven. Well, what's the point of an empty Hell? Dad put in a clever little cause...
You have to believe in Him (join his Catholic Church) or you are buggered.
This means, for example, that most people in India are going to Hell. Well, they sort of had their chance to sign up as Catholics. I mean, they should have read The Bible and converted. Look, there are bibles in all sorts of places. Bad luck, I guess - I mean being born in India. Or China.
Ah well, you can't please everybody.

In the beginning...

In the beginning there was nothing; just a lot of empty space... and, of course, there was Heaven where we were getting on with our daily lives. Not that we really had a concept of day and night because we gods don't need to sleep. I don't know why dad got it into himself to make man. I guess it was sort of like a hobby. Alternatively he could have invented model trains.

They've taken up quite a bit of his time since he invented them. Ah well, I guess it keeps him busy.

The real truth about The Holy Spirit.

I had a comment left on my last post that was really a question. It was left by someone who calls himself Second Fiddle. He wrote,
"Jesus may I ask a question?
Why is saying bad things about the Holy Spirit the only unforgiveable sin?"
Good question Second Fiddle (whose real name is Robert)!
Let me explain.
Think of God as a business. It is run by three people - The Father, The Son and The Holy Spirit.
Notice how the second partner is called 'The Son'.
Question...
How do you get a son?
Answer...
With a mother and a father.
Obvious really.

The Holy Spirit is my real mother. Yes, that's right Robert.
Remember how, when I came down to Jasper (aka Earth), there was an immaculate conception. Mary was/is a good woman but you can't have two real mothers. Dad set up a sort of matter transfer thing - it certainly is good to be able to do anything and never be wrong!
Dad is very sensitive about anything that is said to God The Mother (as most husbands are) and that's why it's a very silly thing for Christians to say bad things about mum.

I am the Son of God.

His only child - that's me.
I'm more important that the Prime Minister of New Zealand and all CEOs. In fact, being the Son of God is the second most important post in all existence, in all the Finite Universe.

Okay, there is the Holy Spirit but, together we make up God.

Hey, I'm up there with the big guys!