The Book of Baxter 27:15/7

The Year of the Great Famine.

Baxter had just returned from putting down a rebellion by the Saradites.

Baxter

Saradites

The Saradites were not a bright lot and refused to surrender so the best option had been to slaughter them all.
It had been a busy time but now Baxter was home and hungry after servicing all his wives.
A servant came to him and said, "Baxter, while you away there has been a great famine. We have nothing to eat."
Baxter stabbed him in the throat with his very sharp sword because it seemed like a humane thing to do for a starving guy.
Then Baxter summoned his best soldiers and told them to round up all the dogs in the city.

Then he instructed his army to build a slaughter house.

It stunk a bit around the area but soon there was meat for everyone. 

Baxter told his men that they would keep what was being produced in the factory to themselves. They sold the meat as beef. One up side was that Baxter was able to charge a very good price for the meat because there was nothing else to eat. Another up side was that, for ages, there was less dog shit around the city.

Once again the people owed a huge debt to Baxter. Dog walking sort of went out of fashion for quite a while. In some parts of the city other animals, like rats and ferrets, were put of leads and walked - old habits die hard.

The story of Saint Francis of Abraveboi.

Abraveboi is a little town not far from Nuova Lazio. In the old days the only access was by a one lane dirt road. It was here that a boy named Francis grew up with his parents. His father. Giuseppe Bata, was a cobbler and dreamed of opening a shoe factory, but young Francis felt he had a strong calling from God.

St. Francis wearing a table cloth

with a flag and a yellow plate.

Francis liked to dress up in table cloths and often carried a flag. He also liked to sleep with his head resting on a yellow plate. It was clear that he was not a run of the mill boy. One day he walked to the Catholic Church in nearby Nuona Lazio and told the local priest that he'd like to become a saint.
The priest told Francis that the best way to become a saint was to be martyred.
Becoming a martyr was easier said than done and Francis struggled to find anyone in Nuova Lazio who was prepared to put him to death. He put together a pile of stones but no one seemed interested in throwing them at him.

Maybe they were too heavy to throw?

The priest told Francis that saints normally performed a few miracles so he decided to learn a few magic tricks.

First he tried card tricks.

Then he worked up a trick making doves appear.

People started paying attention when he did a fire trick.

But it was when he made a lady float that he really started to get some attention.

People started to wonder if he was in league with Satan.

Satan

Finally people became interested in throwing stones at him.

"You took your time fellas!"

Everybody was happy. The stone throwers were happy because the scary unexplainable magic tricks stopped. Francis was happy because he died and went straight to Heaven. Giuseppe was happy because he started a shoe factory and Satan was happy because he knew the stone throwers would eventually go to Hell.

A few years later Francis was canonised.

He became Saint Francis of Abraveboi.

How the bloody hell are you supposed to get 2017 candles on a cake?

I guess you just need a very big cake!

That's the Bass Bagging Confederation who made the cake

standing behind it, but which idiot wrote Chinese all over it?

Ah, I'll never forget my humble beginnings but haven't I done well!

Right from the start people knew I was special.

People have told me that I cried a lot as a baby and that's how I came to be called Angry Jesus. The Christ bit got added a little later. It was when I was rounding up the apostles.

Yeah, people say I'm an angry guy but it was hard work trying to save souls.

Then Judas really let the side down.

"Fuck that traitor Judas!

He should be up here!"

Fortunately Baxter eventually got me down.

Baxter.

"I wouldn't waste your time praying,

it was good old Baxter who got me down.

Baxter and I eventually scuttled off and made it look like I'd risen from the dead.

Baxter said they'd never fall for a story like that but I reminded him how they bought the Noah's Ark idea.

So here I am at nearly 2017 and still looking good.

Nearly 2017 and

no grey hairs.

Well, except for the ones around my balls.

Enjoy my birthday.

Baxter was relaxed.

He was enjoying time with his many wives and much bonking was happening.

A general entered tactfully and told Baxter that here were three guys from The Curmudgeon Inc. who seemed to be coming after him. Baxter stabbed the general in the throat so that he wouldn't be worried anymore. Then he said to all those present, "Bring them on."

Just to be sure, Baxter assembled a huge fucking army.

Evolution disproved!

How old is this guy?

Well, let's be honest, no one talked about him when I was last on Earth (aka Jasper).
We had scientists back then and they understood a lot of stuff. Okay, the building of toilets near the water supply was not their brightest moment, but they also got a lot of things right.
One of my congregation has done research and says this,
"If the process of determining age is so unreliable then Dinosaurs could have lived into recorded history and lived alongside humans in the last 10,000 years."
Fact is, I sort of remember seeing them, and I have never been wrong.
Don't forget that The Flinstones were popular in the 1960s.

Fred Flinstone who lived 

in the age of dinosaurs.

Scientists work with guessing and they often seem to get it wrong.
When it comes to religion - Christianity, my religion - we give you proof, and lots of it.
It's all there to see and, if you don't buy our proof, you're off to Hell! Sorry but it is an incentive.

Hey, but don't believe me (a bit of a pun there), check out my follower Robert's blog where he gets more technical - Here.

As Robert says, "Evolutionists have it wrong so why is their doctrine still being taught to little children?"

I'm right with you Robert. Hey, and we have vacancies for atlar boys. Our priests like to have altar boys near. Real near.

Hoc Est Enim Corpus Meum.

I've checked out a blog post by a non believer - HERE.

Okay, after a bit of a ramble he says that there is no scientific evidence for how a host (a little bit of bread) and some wine become my body and blood.

This is wrong.

Let me explain how the process works:

First of all, every week I have a go to a hospital and have blood taken in a purely scientific way. Okay, I admit that this process was a bit scary in the old days but we got it done.

Nowdays this blood is taken to a huge storage facility near the main church in each town.

Thanks must go the the St John's Catholic

ambulance staff.

There it is put into wine bottles.

A bit of sugar is added to

make it more drinkable.

Every month I also have a bit of my body amputated.

Don't worry, these bits do grow back because I 

am the Son of God.

These body parts are finely chopped and made into dough.

It does have a slight meaty smell, but what the hell!

Okay, then, after expert bakers have done their work, we have the hosts.

How do they taste? Not too bad.

Okay, sceptics are going to ask how we produce enough to satisfy all the churches over the world.

Basically I do the same as I did when, years ago, I turned water into wine.

As a God give me some bloody credit! I do have a few powers.

So, there we are, turning bread and wine into my body and blood is a very scientific process.

Suck on that atheists!

Baxter - the early years and how he found God.*

The book of Baxter starts with a question.
Baxter 1:1 1
How does a successful warlord move forward?
By the age of 17 Baxter had conquered and slaughtered most of the tribes that made their home on both sides of the mighty Serimaya River.
He owned 27 oxen, 500 goats and had acquired 12 wives, which meant sex on demand.

Baxter at 17

Yet Baxter craved for more.
One day one of his generals brought his servant before him.
"Oh Great Warlord, " the general said, "This man has been saying strange mystical things. He claims that there is a God above all other gods and to receive His message one must pass by the jaws of Gesma. This Almighty God shows proof of His existence near the Temple of Abraham in East Babylon. What should we do with this information?"
Baxter drew his sword and stabbed the servent in the throat, more by habit than anything else. The general looked shocked but Baxter said,
"A servant's blood passes back to the earth like water. Do not be afraid when your day approaches general."
Then he stabbed the general in the throat, mainly because he was going to be busy and it would take a while to explain everything to the general who was related to a Saradite and consequently not too bright.

Saradites

Baxter called for his best horse to be saddled and chose three men to accompany him. Then he headed off for East Babylon.

East Babylon

As the four horsemen approached they saw a huge dragon. His three companions, all good warriors, were terrified and galloped off. Baxter rode towards the dragon. It was a talking dragon and it said,
"I am Gesma and I think I will have to eat you."

The jaws of Gesma.

Baxter galloped into Gesma's mouth and rode down into his throat and then follow his bloodstream into his head where he stabbed both his eyes and hacked at his brain.
Baxter exited the way he had come in and rode on to East Babylon.

Finally he arrived at the mighty steps in front of the Temple of Abraham.

Steps in front of the Temple of Abraham

He was about to climb the steps but something told him to turn around to face the mighty Babylon River. He did so and saw his answer.

A message from God

The message on the building said 'God cares'. Baxter fell to his knees and prayed for a short while. Just a short while. Then he knew that he must serve God, as long as it didn't effect his current lifestyle too much. It was then that Baxter was inspired to write The Book of Baxter.

Praise be to God.*
Baxter said to add, "Praise be to Baxter too."


* my Dad

I've decided to change the Lord's Prayer.

I see that Pope Frank is going on about changing the Lord's Prayer.

It seems Pope Frank is a Malborough man.

Too late Frank, I'm already onto it but thanks for the backup.

* * *

So here we go:

My Father who lives in Heaven,

How loud be Thy name?

Lots of people in Thy kingdom come

As they do on Earth (aka Jasper)

Yes, bonking's alive in Heaven.

Give us this day our daily bread

And give us some free passes

That can be used at concerts by us,

And musicians will give out some free passes too.

Deliver us not into cold ampitheatres

And deliver our mail on time.

There's wine in the kingdom

For when we are blogging

We'll edit the blog in the morning.

Women.

Hey, bear in mind that this is just my first attempt. I'll work on the chords and melody next.

Angry Jesus

Son of God

Saviour of souls

Lyricist

The four stages of knowing Me.

"Hi, I'm Angry Jesus and

I'm here to save your arse."

If you want to get on the right side of me here are four things that you must do:

1) You've got to seek me out. I'm not that hard to find - just read My blog.
2) You've got to pray to Me, but first of all you've got to accept that you are a sinner. You are like a weed in a beautiful flower garden, or like a cockroach who is sitting on a child's birthday cake. If you can't accept this, bugger off now.
3) When you pray to Me and Adore Me, listen out for Satan. He is never far away and is an expert in disguise. He might dress up as a bass player, or a door to door salesman, or a shop assistant, or a doctor's receptionist, or a wine expert. The bugger is everywhere! If you make sure you're praying to Me you'll feel good and I'll feel a bit better too because I like the attention.
4) The best you can expect is a dark night of the soul when I remove Myself, but you should feel good and sing a lot! Except, of course, if your singing is really bad. Maybe people who can't sing could learn the trumpet or just recite a poem? If being very hungry helps then go for it. There are always take aways if you get desperate. If lying in front of buses helps, you'll be in Heaven real soon.

Okay, I hope that helps.

Let's finish off with a reading from The Book of Baxter 7:88, 12. "Finding God."

Baxter

In the days when Angry Jesus walked among the people Baxter had set off on a long journey to the south. He took three ships that had been built by the Timplinites - a tribe who were famous for their boat building skills.

He made a quick stop over at a big country that he called Aussie, after Aussietone the King of the Timplinites. It only seemed right, since his people had built Baxter's ships. The only news he had of back home came from courier pigeons - remember that there were no cell phones in biblical times. Obviously these courier pigeons were bigger and more robust than the ones we have today - it's a long flight from the Holy Land to Aussie. One day a pigeon arrived with news that there would be a sermon on The Mount. Baxter stabbed the pigeon through the back of its head and told the ship's cook to cook it. He felt sorry for the creature having to fly all the way home. Then he ordered the ships to set sail to the south east. They went ashore on this small island he named New Israel and he and his men headed up a hill to hear the sermon.

The Mount

They waited and waited, but no sermon took place. Eventual Baxter became angry and ordered his men to slaughter any natives they could find. After a while of slaughtering, Baxter ordered his ships to head for home. He calmed down on the long trip and found solace in the fact that none of the people he had slaughtered would risk starving to death. Also they had missed out on the word of The Lord (no sermon) and would continue to be sinners. At least, this way they would go to Limbo and not Hell.

"No need to thank me." Baxter thought as the ships sailed towards home. He knew it would be a while before God's word reached these southern parts and people would have the opportunity to find Him. For years Baxter wondered about that note telling him about the sermon. Perhaps the pigeon got it wrong?

Baxter and the problem with Padre Mio Dio.

The Book of Baxter 26:77 - 9

Baxter

It had been a busy time for Baxter because there had been more trouble with the Saradites.

The Saradites = trouble.

The Saradites were little devils for trying to make up their own morals and poor Baxter had no choice than to assemble a huge army and slaughter them all over again. The Saradites had a tendency to breed like bloody cockroaches.

This animal breeds like a Saradite.

Baxter decided to take a bit of down time in Italy.
While trying to get some sleep he was awaken by some guy who was throwing up everywhere.
Baxter called out (in Hebrew), "Shut the fuck up!"
Unfortunately the noise continued.
Baxter had forgotten that he was in Italy and that they didn't speak Hebrew there.

In the end it was too much,so Baxter got out of bed and confronted the vomiting guy.
He, between throwing up, introduced himself as Padre Mio Dio.

"Mi chiamo Padre Mio Dio," the vomiting guy said.
Baxter thought quickly about the situation.
Here was a guy who had serious health problems, probably caused by a very bad diet, who was probably going to talk a lot of shit because he was in La La Land.

Baxter drew his very sharp sword and stabbed the guy in the throat.

To understand this book you have to understand the times.
Decisions, and outcomes, in Baxter's time were swift.
Like the way we treat 'livestock' these days.

Hear ye the word of Baxter.

Okay this blog should be all about me but...

...today we take time to celebrate the Punishment of the Liar Friar.

Baxter receives a glorious reception on the first Liar Friar Day.

From now on I, Angry Jesus, declare that December 3rd will be known as Liar Friar Day and will be a public holiday for all pensioners.

The crowds cheer for Baxter, their hero.

(but they also obviously adore Angry Jesus)

On this day a bottle of Cleanskin Chardonnay will be given to every pensioner in the land.*
Let this Cleanskin be a symbol of our strength and faith in Angry Jesus (and his right hand man Baxter).
Never again will we fear the rants and ravings of The Curmudgeons Inc.

The Holy Commemerative Cleanskin.

Praise me, Angry Jesus, for being a just and all knowing God - and let a little bit of the glory shine on my man Baxter.








* for a small cost of $7